


infatuation

by kylorensgf



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adult Content, Adult Language, Ben Solo Lives, Boot Riding, Choking, Cussing, Daddy Issues, Dominant Kylo Ren, Edgeplay, F/M, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, First Fic of Kylo Ren... Not the greatest, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Knifeplay, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Lightsaber Used as a Sex Toy (Star Wars), Mention of Death, Not my greatest work, Overstimulation, Praise Kink, Reader is dramatic, Redeemed Ben Solo, Sexual Content, Spanking, Spit Kink, The Author Regrets Everything, Verbal Humiliation, Violence, thigh riding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 34,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29336124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylorensgf/pseuds/kylorensgf
Summary: graduating top of your class, you're a medical trainee for the first order. you're the one who takes notes on what nurses and main doctor do with injured stormtroopers, how to take care of them and heal them. after the resistance ruins starkiller base, you're in the lead of taking care of commander, kylo ren. within the days of helping him, your bond with him becomes a bit more and you see who's behind both masks.
Relationships: Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You
Kudos: 3





	1. chapter one.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first fanfic to ever write, especially when I joined into the Kylo Ren/SW Fandom, and was barely understanding everything within it. YES, I know this book lacks in capitalization GREATLY but during the time I wrote this book, I only felt comfortable in writing in lower case and didn't really mind it. This fic came out on April 14, 2020, and I am barely publishing it here. I hate this book, more than anything, but for some reasons, people like to read it. Enjoy. X

the attack happened all so quickly. everyone was rushed quickly to the finalizer. you were lucky enough to survive, and get onto the command shuttle with your medical crew.

your eyes went from watching starkiller base explode to people being rushed into the emergency room. doctor miles was screaming your name, snapping you out of your thoughts. "what happened?" you asked him, and he handed you a clipboard.

"i hope you learned enough. we're overworked right now, and you have to treat a patient. he's badly wounded, and has a big scar across his face, that needs much attention." he explained, walking with you to the end of the hall and sighed. "his room is private and only you, the crew and i, are only allowed to know where his room is at, along with general hux."

"who is it?"

"the commander, kylo ren."

your eyes widened, and you nodded slowly. everything was hazy in your brain and you were pushed into the secluded room. you would rarely seeing the commander around the base and he always had his mask on. this was your first time seeing him without it, and you were in awe of his features.

you swallowed thickly, walking over carefully to the large man, who was passed out and covered in blood. monitors were connected to him, and luckily, he had a stable heartbeat and getting enough fluids. the only clothing left on him was his tight pants, and a blanket covered him. you grabbed medical tools and bandages, gently taking off the blanket, examining his cuts and wounds.

 _whoever did this, really fucked him up,_ you thought to yourself and rolled your eyes, nervously chewing your lower lip. you noticed the large gash on his face, going to treat it first. you wiped off the blood with a soft cloth, treating him like a newborn baby. you stitched up the wound, knowing it would take forever for it to fully go away. you went to working on the other wounds.

before you could finally finish, a deep groan escaped his mouth and his lids fluttered open. "commander." you mumbled, and he tried to get up, but you reacted faster, shaking your head and laid him back down. "please do not move. you're sustaining a lot of injuries, and you need rest." you said, checking the monitors and the bandages, his eyes wandering the room.

"what happened?"

you sighed, and shrugged, only knowing what happened to the base, not him. "the starkiller base was ruined by the resistance and you were attacked. you also have a scar on your face, but i took very good care of it. you're recommended to rest. not the doctor's orders, but mine." you stated, and he nodded, not saying a word, seeing fury in his eyes.

your stomach started bubbling with fear and your chest filled with anxiety. he was intimidating, even without speaking or looking at you. "do you need anything, sir?" you asked, holding the clipboard up to your chest. "need to speak with general hux." he simply said, looking at the wall. you nodded and did one last check, giving him a smile. as you were about to leave, he called your name. you were even surprised he knew who you were.

"how do you know my name?"

"your doctor badge gave it away, sweetheart. are you the only person to treat me?"

"i believe so. if it's not my clock in time when you need me, doctor miles will come and help you with anything." you said, and his eyes locked with yours, then explored your body. you started to melt and tried not to blush; he was checking you out.

"i expect to see you a lot more often. i enjoy your company, as i should say."

you chuckled softly and nodded, giving him a thumbs up. "rest well, commander. i'll be back soon to check up on you." you lastly said, leaving out of the hatch door. you leaned against the wall, taking deep breaths and tried to collect yourself. you knew you were smiling like an idiot, over the commander, that you only spoke to for about five minutes of your life.

you made your way over to doctor miles, who was writing down information. "how is he?" he questioned, not taking his focus off of the paper. "resting and well. his injuries were a bit of a struggle to handle, but i got the hang of it. he also wants to speak with general hux." you replied, looking at your clipboard.

"i'll get general hux to him, soon as possible. but you're not allowed to leave right away. you have to stay here, and be at his beck and call when he needs you."

"needs me? can't theo take care of him when i'm gone?"

"theo is busy with other patients, and so is rest of the crew. you have to understand, we just got attacked and you are taking on a big lead here, by watching over _the_ kylo ren. coming from me, as an experienced doctor, this can look very good for you in the future."

you sighed deeply and nodded, thanking him. "i believe in you, kid. but be careful when taking care of him. he's a bit of an asshole." he said, making you smile wide and laugh. "noted, doctor. i'll go grab him a meal." you made your way to the cafe area, thinking and your mind went into a peaceful state. when you got to the cafe area, you simply added a cup of water, sliced grapes and red jelly to a tray, hoping it was enough to fulfill him.

walking to the cafe and back to kylo, you thought a lot. you hummed to yourself and greeted everyone that passed you. for a dark side, you had kindness in your heart and people knew about it, yet didn't judge you for it. your team described you as the most innocent and sweetest person to ever work on the first order.

you unlocked the passcode to the private room, instantly seeing that kylo was sitting up and you groaned. you placed the tray on small table next to him, and sat on the edge of his bed, irritation on your face. "commander, if you keep disobeying my orders, you will not heal anytime soon. please." you begged, and he smirked, obviously not caring for what you said.

you sighed and pulled the table up to you. "would you like to feed yourself or do you want me to do it?" you asked, and you felt his hand touch your arm, his fingers trailing up and down. shivers ran down your spin, goosebumps spreading across your body and your heart started to race.

"do you know my name?"

you inhaled sharply, too afraid to look at him and you nodded, his soothing hand never leaving your arm. "kylo ren, commander of the first order and my superior. i'm sure everyone knows who you are." you said, grabbing the cup of water and put the edge of it to his lower lip. he took a small sip of it, feeling refreshed and his touch disappeared.

"you're not even a doctor or nurse, aren't you?" he asked, and you looked at him, grabbing the bowl of sliced grapes. "you sure do ask a lot of questions, commander. why are you so interested in me?" you asked back, grinning and he reached into the bowl, feeding himself. "i think i have the right to ask questions." he answered, his smirk never leaving his godly face.

"well, i'm not a doctor nor nurse. i'm a trainee, been one for about nearly a year now. i graduated last year, top of my class, and ever since then, i've worked along an amazing team. but i'm just waiting for the day i become official." you smiled fondly to the thought of doctor miles announcing your official position to the team.

"you're a bubbly person to be working for the first order."

"is that an insult or compliment?"

"depends on how you take it." he said, quietly chuckling and you didn't realize he finished the bowl of grapes. he started to check you out again. but he wasn't wrong about you, nobody was wrong about you. you were so pure, that anybody could easily break you. you weren't so corrupted, but very inexperienced and your mind ran with filthy thoughts from time to time.

the hatch door opened, general hux making his appearance. he always had some smug smile on his face, and you wanted to smack it off. you sat up, slightly bowing to him and took the bowl, placing it back on the tray, pushing the table to the side.

"i'll leave you both to it." you mumbled, and smiled small at kylo, then at the general. "before you go, what are his levels? stability? so on?" hux questioned, and you looked at your clipboard, revising your notes.

"heartbeat is stable, getting enough fluids. he ate a bowl of grapes and drank some water. wounds should be healed soon, but as for his scar, that'll take a while. he should be back to his regular self in about a week or two. if he refuses to go by my orders, it'll be longer." you informed him, smiling and walked out, not wanting to be in his presence anymore.

last thing to hear was kylo saying, "thank you, sweetheart."


	2. chapter two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after treating kylo ren, you wonder what will happen next.

few days after you occurrence with kylo, you checked up on him a lot, but most of the times he was either asleep or talking to general hux as you worked on the sidelines of their conversations, acting like you weren't eavesdropping.

you were taking a small break, eating in the cafe hall with your best friend, aria. the only person you could really trust. "so.. word is you're taking care of the commander? how is that like?" she asked, smiling and getting very curious. you shrugged and continued to eat the soggy oatmeal, that had a plain taste to it.

"it's alright, nothing special. he's just another patient."

"nothing special? it's the commander, kylo ren. he's like, so powerful."

you chuckled, playfully rolling your eyes and settled your spoon down. "i don't get what's so special about him. just because he has the force and can control everything? doesn't make sense, really." you said, taking a sip out of your cup of water and sighed, looking back at her.

"that's exactly what is special! you're so lucky, you really are. this can be bring many opportunities to you." she exclaimed, holding your hand into hers. you smiled warmly at her and shook your head. "well, let's head back."

you both got up, throwing away your meals into the garbage and walked your way back to the emergency room. "ladies!" you heard theo shout, wrapping both his arms over yours and aria's shoulders. "theo, aren't you suppose to be taking care of patients right now?" you asked, and he shrugged, smiling. "i don't know, i don't care and i'm very exhausted. when is miles going to give us a break?"

you laughed and took his arm off your shoulder, patting his chest. "never. we have to recover patients and rebuild the first order." you joked in your last words, making your two friends laugh. "i gotta go, though. taking care of a very, important man." you said, strolling off to kylo's room and felt the familiar nervous bubbles in your stomach when approaching and entering his room. 

he was awake. "good day, commander! how do you feel?" you asked, smiling and looking at the clipboard, checking out his chart. "better. the medicine you've been giving me has been helping, and some wounds have healed." kylo replied, his eyes glued to you now. you nodded and your smile got wider, glad to hear from the great results.

"very well, commander." you muttered, taking off the blanket and checked out the wounds from yourself. the one on his shoulder was getting better, even with the ones on his stomach and a few on his arms. the large scar on his face needed more time.

"it's good that you followed my orders. you will be back to your regular self soon, maybe in a day or two." you told him, starting to take off the old bandages, cleaning the wounds and placed on new ones. he watched the entire process, and couldn't help but grin.

"do you mind coming to my quarters after i am better?" he randomly asked, and you stopped your movements, completely paralyzed. you swallowed thickly, your heart speeding up so much, you could die from a heart attack. "uh, i don't think that's very appropriate, sir. you're my superior, and well, i am just another person of the first order." you said, hurrying up and wrote down new information onto the clipboard paper and to his chart.

"not at all. just don't get caught by anyone." he advised, and you looked back at him, glaring. "sir, commander. either way, if i wanted to, i am very busy here and i am a trainee. this job is my dream." you stated and he started to shift himself towards the end of the bed, sitting on it. you got a perfect view of his body now, making your legs feel weak.

"i can help you with that. plus, i'm the only patient you're taking care of, correct?" he asked and you nodded, biting your lower lip. his chuckle was deep and dark, his grin turning into a smirk. your cheeks became warm and red. "then, there should be no problem of coming. plus, it would be nice to get to know you. it's not a choice anymore, it's an order." his eyes sunk into your being, and in between your legs, you became _soaking._

how was he doing this all to you? "um, i have to go!" you panicked, rushing out of the room and ran to the bathroom. you barged into a stall and slid down to the floor, panting. you didn't want to take care of it, not here. not where you worked. you couldn't stop thinking about his voice. his hand against your arm. his eyes. his smirk. just him. you slipped your hand under your leggings and panties fabric, your middle finger running over your area. you groaned at how wet you were and pouted, not knowing what to do.

you took your hand out, realizing you were going to be able to clock out in a few hours and be alone for about a whole day. you walked out of the stall, standing in front of the sink mirror and washed your hands, adjusting your clothing and hair.

you took deep breathers and calmed yourself, getting your strength back to walk into kylo's room. once you did, that all went away when yours and his eyes connected. "did you have fun thinking about me, sweetheart?" he questioned, and you suddenly were afraid. "what are you talking about, commander?" you gulped, cleaning up around him to distract yourself.

"i can hear your thoughts. they're loud. did you take care of what you needed to?"

your back was facing him and you were frozen again. "sir, it's highly inappropriate to talk about that and it's none of your business, actually." you spat, furrowing your eyebrows and huffed.

"i think it is my business, when you're thinking of me and getting off to the thought of my features, or simply my voice." he responded, and you turned around, crossing your arms over your chest. "for such a pure girl like you, you sure do have a nasty mind." he teased, smirking and your thighs pressed together. he snapped his fingers, pointing them in front of his lap, commanding you to walk over to him. so you did. you stood in front of him and you weren't sure of what would happen next.

"sir, you're a patient, and i'm a trainee. we can't do this. we'll get in trouble."

"we won't if you know how to keep your noises quiet."

his hands gripped onto your waist, pulling you down onto his lap, with your back gently laying against his chest. one hand slipped under your lower clothing, getting easy access to you.

"wait, i can't. i have never been touched by someone else.." you warned him, chewing onto your lower lip and he awed at you, finding it amusing. "we don't have to do this." he whispered into your ear, planting kisses on the side of your neck. his other hand gripped onto your throat and you whimpered.

"i want to, but please be gentle.."

he nodded and you felt two fingers pushed inside of you, causing you to squeal. "shh, you're okay." he muttered, keeping a grip on your throat and his other hand worked at slow pace. you whimpered more, your hand grabbing onto his thigh. he was gentle for minutes, handling you with care. desperate, needy moans and whines left your mouth, calling out his name. "faster, please.." you muttered and he smirked upon your skin, going at a medium pace.

he started to hit that right spot and your eyes rolled back, harshly biting down onto your lower lip to keep in your loud noises. "right there, oh gosh.." you moaned out, looking up at him and his eyes were focused on his fingers pounding inside of you.

he kissed the crown of your head and you cursed under your breath, squealing once again. then your climax started to form, remembering you were the sensitive type.

"fucking shit, i need to cum.." you whined out, pouting and he nodded, digging his face into the crook of your neck, letting his fingers work at a fast speed. you gripped onto his wrist, squirming on his lap. your legs trembled as you came around his fingers and he kissed your jaw.

"that's a good girl." he praised, making your heart flutter and melt. he pulled out his fingers, placing them at your lower lip and stroked your hair with his other hand. "suck."

you obeyed, cleaning yourself off his fingers and your tongue swirled around them, moaning at the taste of yourself. he slipped them out of your mouth and grabbed the towel next to him, wiping your salvia off.

he helped you stand up and fix yourself, as you tried to catch your breath. after a couple of minutes, you were okay again and he grinned, humming.

"i expect to see you in my quarters once i am out of here. i'm on last high level, and when you enter through the doors, make a left at the first two turn and my room will be right there. when needing to enter, tell the guards you are there to check up on me and give me more treatment, or need to discuss my health with me." he thoroughly explained and you nodded, putting your hair up into a high ponytail.

you walked out of his room, trying to take in what just had happened. you were going to need a lot of time to think.


	3. chapter three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kylo ren doesn't like to share.

you laid on your cot, staring at the ceiling. you couldn't process any of it, and you felt so ashamed that you let your arousal get in the way of your work. you mentally slapped yourself, knowing next time, you'll do and be better.

your hatch door opened, theo walking in. you sat up and glared at him, his mouth molded into a cheeky smile. "what is it now?" you asked, his face showing off that he was up to something.

"i know we haven't had fun in a while, and aria disagrees to have any of that, so i was thinking, we could roam all of the ship and just, i don't know, talk?" he suggested, scratching the back of his neck and looked down shyly. this was at first.

it was about to be the time for lights out, yet the idea of just being with a close friend sounded nice. you nodded and stood up, slipping on your boots. you nudged him, signaling for him to follow your lead. he stayed close to you, and his smile was wide.

"you're all happy. what happened?" you curiously questioned, and he blushed, shrugging awkwardly. he was never like this, and it started to make you wonder. "i just, like being around you and spending alone time with you." he answered, looking at you and you awed at him, patting his shoulder.

he grabbed your hand, leading you to the docking bay and sat you on the ground with him, leaning closer into you. you skimmed the whole bay, amazed by the TIE fighters. you could easily see the galaxy, which made you smile. eyeing it, you squealed and theo noticed you getting excited.

"aria is really missing out! look how pretty!" you exclaimed and pointed to the infinite universe, turning your head to look at him, but he was already staring at you. you giggled and grew flustered, chewing your lower lip.

"you're pretty." he complimented, pushing a strand of your hair behind your ear and smiled, kissing your cheek. _what is going on,_ you asked yourself in your mind, feeling very loved for the first time.

"well, thank you. you're not too bad yourself." you said, gently elbowing his arm and chuckled, shaking your head. yours and theo's eyes were locked, as he slowly leaned in. trying to make a move, a stormtrooper yelled, "get out of the docking bay and report back to your quarters, immediately!"

you sighed and agreed, getting up from the ground, helping him up. you wiped the dust off your bottoms and hands, sighing contently. "i'll walk you back." he offered, and you nodded. you walked back to your quarters in silent, and your heart was a melted puddle. he stopped right in front of your door, kissing your forehead. "goodnight, i'll see you when you clock in." he said, before stepping backwards and walking to his own quarters.

you entered your room, jumping and squealing. your back touched the wall, your mind being filled with thoughts of theo, and you blushed. there was a knock on your hatch door and you let it open, revealing general hux.

"general, a bit late to see you, don't you think?"

"nice to see you as well. kylo ren needs you, he said he needs more medical treatment and i honestly do not want to hear him throw another tantrum."

he gave you a forced smile, walking away and you slipped on your jacket, already heading towards the medical facility. didn't take long to reach his room, due to the fact that your quarters were only a level below the facility and you just needed to take the elevator.

you greeted doctor miles, and continued to your lead to kylo's room. you put in the normal passcode and the hatch opened, letting yourself in.

kylo was standing up, exploring the room. "good to see you." he muttered, obviously angry about something. "general hux informed me about your treatment. why are you standing?" you questioned, raising a brow and walking over towards him, grabbing the sharp, surgical knife from his hand, settling it down.

"would you care to explain to me why you're thinking of such another person?" he asked, glaring at you and your heart was about to burst out of your chest. you totally forgot he could hear anyone's thoughts, and apparently, he could hear yours always, even if you were far, far away from him.

"why does it matter to you, commander? you're just my superior and patient. nothing is going on between you and i, so let's keep it that way. you focus on your life, and i'll focus on mine!" you snapped and you instantly regretted it when he got hold of the sharp object again, pressing the tip of it to your hip. "want to repeat that, love?" he asked, and you shook your head, pouting. he brought them up to your breasts, and chuckled, thinking of something.

"that man, is a liar." he began, carefully dragging the tip across your arm. "i know you wondered how he became a nurse before you did. how you're still training and he got his position right away. he has many offenses, hurting multiple stormtroopers, tried to kill one and threatened to hurt everyone on the first order." he continued and you gazed at him, not believing a single word he said.

"and i would never lie to you. but, you should know, he slept with the lady who was doctor before miles, to get this position quicker. once theo banged her and left, his name was already on a badge." he finished off, smirking and it did start to make sense to you, but you didn't want to trust a single word he said.

"n-no! you're wrong. he would never do that." you defensively said, pushing him away from you. "why do you think she suddenly disappeared? it's against the rules to sleep with any student. they went against that, and she sacrificed her life to let him get into the field quicker. we sent her off into space, by the way." he said, shrugging and you were almost in tears, running your fingers through your hair.

you remember that doctor. doctor lilian. she was nice towards you, but more kind with theo. the last time you saw her was three months before your graduation and she disappeared. everybody said she was sick or she resigned from her job because it was too overwhelming.

"why are you telling me this, kylo?"

"thought you should know, since you think he is such a perfect person."

you sniffled and sat on the bed, looking down at your lap, fiddling with your fingers. "eyes on me." he ordered, placing the knife under your chin and you instantly linked your orbs with his.

"if i'm your superior, that means i make the rules, right?" he asked and you nodded, too shy to say anything. you fell into a very submissive headspace, feeling hopeless and weak. "that means when i say you're mine, then you're fucking _mine._ " he spat, aware of your face becoming red and soft. "take off your top."

you stripped it right off, whimpering and only your bra covered your breasts. he seemed to not mind it. his fingers tightly wrapped around your throat and he laid you down on your back, kissing your cheek. "this is the only way you can remember." he muttered, realizing he still had the sharp object. was he going to cut you?

you were right, feeling the sharp blade carve into you and you whined loudly, your hand clutching onto the blanket. though it hurt like hell, he was quick and gentle with it. he knew what he was doing, and saw him grab the cloth, wiping off the dripping blood.

"what did you do?" you asked and he smirked, looking at his completed work on your stomach and helped you up, feeling a stinging sensation.

you walked over to the small mirror that was provided for every patient and stared at your stomach. your eyes went wide and your jaw dropped. it wasn't too big or small, but very noticeable.

kylo had cut in one word- _mine._

you stared back at him, and pouted again, huffing. "what's wrong? you don't want to be owned by me?" he teased, raising a brow and his tongue washed over his lower lip. "i just.. don't know any of this or what's happening." you told him, shrugging and felt embarrassed, covering your face with your hands.

"you're inexperienced."

"yeah, no shit."

you groaned, biting your lip and placed your hands to your sides, inhaling sharply. "good thing i'm here to teach you a few things, then. can't wait to corrupt you, sweetheart." he said, slowly walking to you and his smirk never left.

"c-corrupt me?"

"break you, make you cry. fulfill your mind with the thought of me again. touch and fuck you.. i like to break the pretty ones."

you swallowed thickly and he was hovering over you. he was much taller than you, making him seem like a giant. "i don't want to get caught." you mumbled. "i already gave you clear instructions." he replied and his fingertips trailed over the carved word. you sighed, nodding and continued to stare at him in the eyes, getting lost in them.

"i will be at my quarters, by tomorrow. once i am, i expect to see you a few minutes before lights out." he demanded, and you nodded again, pushing past him. you needed to be alone and think to yourself, again.


	4. chapter four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh look... SMUT!

you were debating if you wanted to obey kylo's order of seeing him. you looked at the clock, and time was ticking fast. you had only a few minutes to come forward to your final decision. maybe nothing would happen, maybe he really did just want to get to know you.

you sighed, grabbing your shoulder bag and went out your hatch door, straight to kylo's level. it would take a while to get there, since the finalizer was huge and never had a dead end to it. you walked, stepped into the elevator and pressed his level's button. you patiently waited and hummed softly, hand held tightly around the strap of your bag. you brought some medical stuff to make your reasoning believable.

the doors opened and you made your way straight to the guards. "hello! i'm here to check up on the commander. he needs his medical treatments and i need to change his wounds." you told them, and they opened your bag right away, seeing the supplies. they nodded and let you through the glass doors, while you thanked them.

your anxiety starting to come when you were getting closer to his quarters. finally, you approached it and stood there. you gently knocked and the hatch door flew opened, which made you squeal.

you slowly walked inside, the hatch closing behind you and you looked around the large room. it was massive and you were quite jealous. but then again, he is the commander. "you came." you heard him say, flinching in surprise from his deep voice and you turned around, nodding. he was dressed in normal clothing, not his usual commander outfit, like you expected him to wear. even the mask wasn't on.

"look, kylo. i don't know what you want from me, at all. but this can't turn into something more, and of course, i'm not saying like a relationship or anything, but, this could all turn out really bad if we ever got caught." you explained, hands folded in front of you.

he walked over to you, one hand cupping your cheek and his thumb softly stroked it, then made it's way over to your lower lip, brushing it and forced you to slightly open your mouth. "pure, right?" he questioned, and you whimpered in response, his eyes stuck on your lips. he pushed his thumb into your mouth and your lips wrapped around it, slowly sucking onto it.

you were enjoying this. the simple taste of him, you were enjoying it. him having control over you, you were enjoying it. it felt like heaven, and if heaven was truly like this, you'd never be a sinner in your life. his other hand wandered around your body, groping you. you were a mixture mess of whimpers and whines.

he pulled his thumb out of your mouth and smiled in satisfaction. "knees, now." he demanded and you simply followed, getting down onto them. you looked up at him and now he was towering over you. he grabbed your jaw, gripping it. "i'm going to break you, love. ruin your innocence and then by the time i'm finished with you, you'll be completely under my power and just my plaything." he said and a pulse started to be felt in between your legs, along with a wetness.

"open." he gripped harder onto your jaw and watched you open your mouth, spitting inside of it. "and now swallow." he patted your cheek harshly and squat down, kissing your forehead. you whimpered desperately and he leaned in, his lips connecting with yours. they moved in a needy, passionate sync, tongues going into each other's mouth and he groaned into yours, needing you. you needed him more. _you were craving him._

his lips parted from yours and stood back up. he worked on his lower clothing area, stripping off what was there, then he helped you take off your shirt and bra.

he chuckled and his hand combed through your hair, harshly yanking onto your locks and arched your head back, obediently opening your mouth. "i'm going to need you to be a good girl for me and take it, got it?" he asked and you nodded, feeling his member slowly pushed into your mouth. it was throbbing and already hitting the back of your throat, your saliva coating it.

he thrusted himself into your mouth slowly, letting you get use to his size and you looked up at him, never wanting to lose eye contact with him while he fucked your throat. he hissed between his teeth, groaning and moaning. he grabbed all your hair, tucking any strands behind your ear.

"you look so pretty like this, sweetheart. such a good girl." he praised and your heart had melted, whining. his hold got tighter and without a warning, his cock was pounding harshly into your mouth. drips of drool poured out of the corners of your lips and you gagged, tears forming in your eyes.

"can't take it? too bad, whore." he spat, mocking your whining and pout, smirking. but you didn't want to fail him, you wanted to please him. all mercy was thrown out of the picture, he was ramming himself into your mouth and you were loving every second of it, tears trickling down your cheeks.

you loved feeling like this- _filthy._ he cursed under his breath, moaning out your name and his breathing was heavy and fast. he was close. his cock left your mouth, his hand jerking it off and releases of warm, white liquid fell onto your face, even into your mouth. luckily, none got to your eye area. he cursed and you kept your mouth hung open, tongue sticking out.

he spit into your mouth, stared at you as you swallowed both his saliva and climax together. you were sure you looked like a mess by now. "on my bed, be on your hands and knees." he said and you stood up, him trailing behind you. your skin came into contact with the soft, black sheets and you put your face into the pillow, your ass sticking up in the air, wanting him to get better access.

you felt his cold hands run down your spine, and traveled back to your ass, tugging off your bottoms and panties, then with your shoes. his index finger ran over your clit and he awed in such amazement from how wet you were.

two fingers slipped in, beginning at a medium pace. it was only minutes until he withdrew his fingers and brought your body up to his, your back pressing against his chest. he wrapped an arm around your waist, protectively holding you and slid you down onto him, causing you gasp loudly.

"fuck, you're so tight and soaking. all for me, hm?" he whispered and you nodded, allowing you to adjust to him. his pace was slow and gentle. your first time, this was it. you were being corrupted by the commander of the first order. you were so small in his arms. petite and little, he could easily destroy you. he put you back onto your knees and hands, your fingers grasping around the blanket and spread your legs.

"and remember, you can only cum when i give you permission to." he forcefully pounded inside of you, your body squirming and caught off guard. you moaned, his fingernails clawing into your skin and leaving scratches. you could only cry out for him and to hurt you. "you sound so fucking pathetic when you beg, sweetheart. using your cunt isn't enough, hm?" he asked, moaning and the sound of skin slapping, desperate and needy noises, filled the room.

"fuck, right there. please use me.." you mumbled into the pillow, biting your lip and your eyes rolled back, screaming his name. his cock fit perfectly into you and you wanted so much more of it. "say my name, loud and clear, so everyone knows who you belong to." he demanded and you couldn't even speak, your mind only focused on him thrusting in and out of you, with the way his hands touched your body.

"k-kylo! commander, sir!" you pleaded and your head leaned back, mouth hung open with whines and moans leaving it. your hands held so tightly onto the blanket, your nails could rip through it and your legs started to shake. "kylo, kylo, please cum inside of me. please, let me cum." you wailed and he growled, hands on your waist, being merciless with you.

"cum for me, whore." he grunted and both climaxes were felt. you collapsed onto the bed and panted, trying to catch your breath. he pulled out, watching his cum leak out of your hole and chuckled. you sniffled and from one fuck, your body had given out so easily. you legs ached, twitching and squirming.

"hey hey, you're okay. you did so good, doll." he cooed, kissing the side of your head. he scooped you up into his arms, and you rested your head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat.

he stepped into the bathroom, turning on the shower and sat you down, your body touching the tile. the warm water hit you, calming your body. kylo took off the remaining of his clothing, squatting down to your position, kissing your cheek and washed off your body, including your face.

you look softly into his eyes, pouting and he slightly smiled. "you can stay with me for tonight, and i'll make sure to wake you up on time for your shift." he reassured and quickly washed himself off.

the shower shut off and helped you stand up, wrapping you in a soft towel. his towel covered his waist down and he held your hand, walking you over to his bed. he sat you down, putting back on your undergarments for you and your shirt, leaving your leggings off. "thank you.." you mumbled, and he nodded, tucking you into his bed.

he changed himself back into his clothing, leaving his top off. he laid down next to you and brought you in closer to him, your face digging into the crook of his neck and sighed contently. he planted one last kiss on your cheek and his hand rubbed your back, soothingly and pulled the blanket over the both of you. "you did very well. i'm proud of you, love." he murmured and you smiled, closing your eyes.

you didn't remember how long it took you to fall asleep, but you remembered feeling safe and warm as you did.


	5. chapter five.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is it too impossible to fall in love quickly, or be protective over someone -- but not for kylo ren.

your eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the lights in the room. they went straight to kylo's face, who was still awake. "do you ever sleep?" you asked, groaning and stretching. "do i have to go now?"

he shook his head, his fingers running through your hair and sighed contently. "didn't want to rest, and you have about less than an hour. you mumble a lot in your sleep, by the way." he told you, grinning and you realized he still held you close to him.

silence filled the room and eyes were locked, held hostage in the tension. your hand cupped his cheek, leaning in and planted your lips onto his, whimpering. his arm snaked around your waist, pulling you on top of him. he sat up and your arms loosely wrapped around his neck, the kiss being passionate and slow.

his hold on you was always protective and strong, almost like if you were going to leave. he moaned and you giggled, slightly pulling away. this affection felt right. this moment was good and you didn't want it to suddenly wash away.

you stayed on his lap, and he rested his head on your chest, your fingertips running up and down his bare back. "go to sleep, kylo. just for a bit, please." you whispered and he nodded, his lids closing. you watched the most powerful man, being soft and at ease in your arms.

you heard little snores leave him, making you smile and you carefully got off of him, laying him down on the bed. you made sure the blanket comforted him and kept him warm. you put on your leggings and shoes, adjusting your hair. you left a kiss on his forehead, pushing his hair out of his face.

he was relaxed and okay. "see you soon, ky." you mumbled and walked out the hatch door, not caring of the soreness in your legs. the guards eyed you, and you smiled at them. "inform general hux that the commander needs to take today off. one of his wounds need proper healing and time. i stayed around to make sure he would be fine in his sleep." you explained and stormed off, taking yourself to your job.

you thought about last night, each detail making you blush. "good to see you! you have one patient to handle and i'm glad to hear you're still keeping an eye on the commander." doctor miles said, patting your shoulder and went back to his business. another hand touched you, turning around and saw theo.

you didn't forget what kylo told you about him. "hey, i didn't see you at all yesterday." theo said and you shrugged, your lips in a thin line. "busy with the usual sleeping and reading, or staring at the ceiling." you replied, rolling your eyes and grabbing your clipboard.

"woah, woah. are you mad at me?" he asked and you shrugged, once again. "i don't know, theo. do i have a reason to be mad at you? like, how the fuck did you become a nurse before me? want to explain that to me?" you snapped and he didn't know what to say. you scoffed and walked passed him. "whatever, theo. tired of your shit, anyways."

theo grabbed your arm, dragging you to the supply room and locked the door. "i want out of here, bastard! i have a patient to treat!" you pushed him and he got control over you by holding onto your wrists. "stop fighting! why are you so mad at me?" he questioned and you chuckled, wanting to wack him with your clipboard.

"i founded out your little secret." you started off and his eyes widened, his soul leaving his body. "i know you slept with doctor lilian, and they _killed_ her because you couldn't keep it in your pants and were that pathetically desperate! i deserve the nurse position more than you do!" you shouted and he covered your mouth, your teeth reacting and bit his skin. he hissed and removed his hand, glaring at you.

"so what? are you going to tell everyone?" he was getting nervous and scared, panicking. "i don't know. maybe it's what you deserve." you answered and he inhaled sharply, turning around, his hand looking for something.

"i can't let you do that." he mumbled and got hold of a pair of surgical scissors, pressuring it onto your throat. a loud gasp left your mouth and your heart dropped, feeling helpless. your own best friend, would murder you, just because of a secret.

"theo, what the hell is wrong with you? put down the scissors." you calmly said, swallowing thickly and he smiled wickedly, laughing. how could you get help? he could easily slit open your throat. then your mind clicked.

you needed kylo to come save you in this room. you didn't want to die and you were afraid. you needed kylo to do something, because you didn't want to scream or make a noise, which could lead to theo ending your life.

 _kylo, kylo.. please,_ you begged inside your mind, it being clear and loud. "i slept with her, i'll admit that. but you don't understand how many times i was put down and told i was never going to make it." he explained and your body was completely frozen. "i don't give a shit if i banged her, i just used her to get this position more quicker."

you saw a monster enter his body and you teared up. you weren't going to be saved. _you were going to die._

you closed your eyes, life flashing white in them and your last memories were kylo. those few days you spent together. his warmth and strength, that made your heart flutter.

a loud bang knocked you out of your thinking and your eyes opened, noticing kylo. he was in his commander outfit, mask on and lightsaber activated a raging red. two stormtroopers were behind him and he signaled them to theo.

"no, no! you don't understand!" theo pleaded and the stormtroopers grabbed him, the scissors dropping onto the ground. you tried to understand what happened, in your brain. you heard the loud screaming of a monster, lower down as he was continued to be dragged away.

"what's going to happen to him?" you asked kylo and glanced him, eyebrows raised in concern. "off into space." he simply replied, walking out of the room and you were left there, alone.

doctor miles came up to you and pulled you into a hug. "go back to your quarters, i'll handle the patient. come back when you're ready, please." he insisted and you nodded, getting out of his hug and walked back to your quarters, alone.

your walk turned into a run, tears streaming down your face and your heart was hurting. he was going to get murdered, and you weren't sure if that's what he deserved or not.

you barged through your hatch door, falling down onto your cot and sobbed into your pillow, not able to catch a breath of air. you didn't want to talk to anyone, not even aria. you wanted to cry and cry, question things even more. you brought your blanket over your body, clutching onto it.

the swift opening of your hatch door alarmed your ears and you slightly peeked to see kylo. "leave me alone." you muttered, stuffing your face back into your pillow.

his helmet clicked and hissed, taking it off and placed it on the floor. you could tell he wasn't good at comforting. "don't you have commander duties to handle? aren't those more important?" you questioned, sniffling and faced him. he noticed your bloodshot eyes, that were glossy and full of pain.

"you're important to me, as well." he said and you went silent. what were you suppose to say?

"you heard me."

"loud and clear. you were basically screaming in my head."

you nodded and apologized, wiping away your tears. "come back to my quarters tonight. don't question or refuse, just do so." and with that, he got up, put back on his helmet and was out the door.


	6. chapter six.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut was mildly inspired by fix your attitude by kassanovella.

your body was filled with anxiety and fear. you didn't want to do such things with kylo. through your time of being alone and crying, your questions always ended with kylo.

the hatch door opened and you stepped inside, the cold room falling onto your skin and goosebumps were formed. kylo came out of a spare room, his mask being the only thing off. "we need to talk." you straightforwardly said, a heavy weight coming off your chest.

he nodded and stood there, his eyes on you. "why me?" you asked, crossing your arms over your chest. "you were just a patient and suddenly, this is all happening. then few hours ago, you came to save me. i don't even know if i'm making sense, but how can i be important to you? why me, kylo?" you watched him sigh contently and speechless, licking his lips.

"before the starkiller base was ruined, i saw you around. my mind would wonder with thoughts of who you were, and of course, i didn't try to let it get to the best of me. but when you were assigned to take care of me, everything came back. i've been wanting you for a while." he admitted and you both stood there, couple of feet away from each other.

"you don't get it, kylo. if we take this any further and get caught in the fucking process, i will be screwed. everything will be taken away from me!" you shouted and the heavy weight came back, a big lump in your throat. you never had anybody, and when you did, they disappeared. you were afraid of being alone, yet never told anyone. you never had parents growing up, not knowing any history or context of who they were. and when there was good for you, it took a twisted turn and became bad.

"if that happens, i can help."

"help? just because you're the fucking commander? you're not that superior, kylo!"

you saw him turn into a whole different person. his eyes became dark and body tensed. his jaw and hands clutched. you instantly regretted what you said. "repeat that for me." he ordered and you gulped, shaky breaths leaving your body, along with your soul and dignity.

"you're not that superior." you mumbled out and you felt a choke around your throat. it wasn't his hand. it was the force. you squealed, trying to catch air into your lungs and you looked at him with hopeless eyes. "weren't you just under my power just last night? weren't you sucking my cock and begging for more?" he spat, the force getting tighter around your neck.

kylo dropped his hand and you fell to the ground, your lungs retrieving air and your heart rate back to speeding. he didn't stop there. he grabbed a handful of your hair and pulled your head back. "what a dumb little bitch." he muttered and a sharp sting was hit across your cheek. you whimpered and bit your lip, your thighs rubbing against each other.

"you fucking liked that, didn't you?" he asked and you nodded, another smack coming onto your other cheek. he repeated this on both cheeks few more times, until you were crying. "you practically asked for this."

you looked up at him with glossy eyes and pouted, your cheeks red and hurting. he stripped off the layers of his clothing and released his bulge. "i don't care if you cry, beg for me to stop. you're my plaything for tonight and nothing more. you're not done until i'm completely satisfied, got it?" he said and you nodded. "answer me, slut."

"yes sir."

he grinned, not giving you any warning and pushed his cock into your mouth, thrusting at a fast pace. you gagged and drooled, keeping your lips wrapped around it and tongue at work. you retched, trying to pull back to get a breather but he refused to let you do that. he kept fucking your throat mercilessly and groaned, hissing loudly.

more tears fell and you moaned, the vibrations running through him and he cursed. "i'm your fucking superior. don't ever fucking forget that, pathetic whore." he saw you become vulnerable under him, finding great pleasure in it.

he slipped out of your mouth, pulling you up by the hair and yanked you towards the bed. he threw you onto the mattress and you whined, hearing your clothes being ripped off. he laid you on your back and hovered over you, feeling his member push inside you and you gasped loudly.

his hand gripped around your throat tightly and rammed himself into you, your back arching. his other hand pinned both your wrists to the wall, having a strong hold. part of you wanted to test him and see how far he'd go. the other part of you actually wanted to continue your life and not be asking for a death wish.

"if you're so superior, you can fuck me way better than this. c'mon, do something!" you said, moaning and your wrists were free, but both hands were on your neck, his cock pounding inside of you recklessly.

your brain went hazy and blank, eyes rolling back and your hands grasped on the blanket. "you look so fucking pathetic. you want me to ruin your pretty body, don't you? violate it and take advantage of you?" he teased and you nodded, your desperate noises taking up the silence in the room. "open your mouth."

you obeyed and he spat inside of it, bringing up on his hand and smacked you, once more. "needy little girl." he moaned and he started to kiss onto your neck, down to collarbone. he sucked onto your skin, and you whimpered, your fingers curling into his hair.

"fucking mine. i _own_ you." he told you and you agreed, wailing his name and he smirked. your climax was felt in the pit of your stomach, warm and in a knot. "fuck, i  
need to cum!" you screamed, your back arching more and your head fell back, both climaxes out of yours and his system.

"we're not done yet." he flipped you around, shoving your face into the pillow and repeated himself. your whole body was captivated by him and you were a prisoner to his touch. your moans and whines were muffled, barley able to breath, while his hand keep your head in the pillow.

you squirmed and your legs could barley hold open, causing him to smack your inner thighs then your ass, harshly. "keep them open or i'll do worse." he threatened and you nodded, your brain slowly starting to fall asleep.

"oh god.." you moaned out and he growled, his hands on your hips and bouncing you back on his cock. "if anyone is your god, it's _me_." he said and you whimpered in agreement, your legs shaking. "cum for me, sweetheart."

your climax poured all over his member, hearing him pull out and felt yourself drip and leak. "learned your lesson, yet?" he questioned and you couldn't speak. you could only breathe heavily. his fingers clawed into your locks and lunged you back towards his body, his face on the side of yours. "answer me."

"yes.. yes."

you swallowed thickly and he let go of you, your body falling apart and numb. your nude body was warm and full of sweat. cum continued to drip and you were braindead. "fuck you." you muttered out inaudibly, yet he heard you.

he brought your body up, shoving you to the floor and you fell onto your knees. you saw an object in his hand. it was his lightsaber. "so disrespectful to your superior. maybe i should fix that mouth of yours, someway." he said and the object came into contact with your jaw, your head pounding and mouth crying in pain.

you looked up at him and a familiar taste entered your mouth. it was your blood. he leaned down and faced you, grabbing your jaw. you spat in his face and he wiped away the blood. you received two more hits.

you were going to black out at any moment. "that's enough, don't you think?" he asked and you couldn't respond. "this is what happens when you go overwork my patience."

kylo tossed the lightsaber to the side and walked away, disappearing for a few seconds. you laid there, blood falling out your mouth, body numb and legs sore. he came back, sighing and saw you, so sensitive and broken.

 _he finally broke you,_ and you had just realized it. "okay, let's get you cleaned up." he muttered, picking you up like a baby. your legs wrapped around his torso, his hold on you being strong and knowing your body had no strength, whatsoever.

it was a repeat care. shower, washing off the sins and touch of him. he helped you wash the blood out of your mouth and took care of himself after you were completely cleaned.

he covered himself and you in a towel, carrying you over to his bed and tucked you in. "um.. i have no clothes to wear.." you told him and he went to the spare room, coming back with a shirt. "it's big, so it may be really oversized on you." he said and you nodded. he was already changing himself back into his clothes.

"where are you going?" you asked and he sighed contently, grabbing his helmet, his attention on you. "handle the business with theo, and talk to someone else.. someone important. i'm very busy." he answered and you turned your back towards him, tears forming in your eyes.

"okay, go."

you heard him sigh one more time and kissed the crown of your head, then walking away.

you cried yourself to sleep in his bed, without him there to hold you or even reassure you.


	7. chapter seven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you find out a secret about kylo ren.

your lids parted open and you looked around the room, realizing you were still in kylo's quarters. a pair of bottoms were on the edge of the bed, with a small card attached to it.

_hope you slept well. see you soon._   
_\- commander ren_

you scoffed at the card, ripping it into shreds and slipped on the fresh pair of leggings, along with kylo's shirt. it smelt just like him and this was the closest you'll get to being with him. you put on your shoes and rubbed your eyes, yawning.

you needed to leave and be alone, still. you walked out of his room, through the doors of his level and to the cafe hall. his shirt really was big on you, it nearly ended at your knees, yet soft and cozy.

you grabbed a tray, getting yourself some grapes, a cup of water and plain pudding. you sighed and your eyes tried to find somewhere to sit, landing on aria, who was eating alone.

you put on your fake happiness mask and sat in front of her, smiling. "hey! oh my gosh, i heard about theo. i'm so sorry. is there anything you need?" she immediately asked, panicked and worried. you shook your head and shrugged, being reminded of the situation. you wanted to cry again.

"i'm fine. doctor miles said i could go back once i'm ready." you told her, taking a spoonful of the pudding and tried your best to enjoy it. you needed to fill up your stomach.

"huh, your face isn't exactly saying, i'm recovering from theo, but something else happened. and what's with the bruise on your jaw?"

you froze for a second and remembered last night. you forgot kylo nearly broke your jaw with his weapon. "i was, uh, cleaning around my room and tripped over my stack of books. it hurt real badly." you answered, lips in a thin line and you looked down.

she believed you and nodded. "what's going on? you're not good at hiding your true emotions, you never have been. please talk to me." she begged and you peeked up at her, struggling to decide if you wanted to be honest.

"we can't talk here." you said, holding aria's hand and left the cafe hall, both trays staying on the table. you held her hand tightly and dragged her to a janitor's closet, popping it open and locked it behind you both.

"this must be serious. last time we were in here, you were confessing your feelings about theo to me the day before graduation."

"theo is dead to me, and will be dead soon. i don't know how to say this, really."

your fingers fidgeted and she noticed, holding your hands into hers. "you're okay. you can always trust me, and whatever it is, you know very well, i will keep it to myself. you're like a sister to me and i just want to be here for you." she said and you nodded, tearing up. "here goes nothing.." you muttered and took back your hands, crossing them over your chest.

"where to begin.. basically, when i was assigned to treat the commander, kylo ren, nothing happened at first. then he would start flirting with me, able to hear my thoughts about him and constantly called me sweetheart.." you started off and her eyes widened, completely shocked. "the day before he was released from his room, my arousal got in the way and he.. touched me, i guess? but i enjoyed it so much, like very much. then later that night, when i was with theo, general told me kylo wanted me, blah blah blah, and he gets jealous. super jealous, and engraves the word _mine_ into my skin. next day, i go to his quarters because he told me to and i lost my virginity. and i know it sounds crazy, but it's true."

she hummed in response, nodding and was listening closely. "then after we fucked, he took very good care of me. he was gentle and soft, with me. like a whole new persona approached him. boom, comes to yesterday, kylo saves me from theo because i practically screaming in my mind for him to come rescue me. after that, he comes into my quarters, telling me i'm important to him, wants me to go to his quarters later and i did. fucked, again. bam, after the whole recovering process, he told he had to go, so i got upset, and there. you're caught up." you finished off, catching air from how much you rambled on.

"so you mean to tell me, you got to bang the commander, he carved into you like a fruit and now you're catching feelings?" she added it all up, and you nodded, biting your lip. "listen, lovebug, i love you and you're my best friend. but you need to be careful."

you raised a brow and tilted your head, smiling in confusion. "what do you mean?" you questioned and she sighed, scratching the back of her neck and rubbed her temple. "few years ago, i had an older friend who worked in the medical field and she got to treat kylo, but it was for some small injuries. she told me, that he touched her and flirted with her, and then when they fucked, he totally acted like she didn't exist. she told me he did the same thing; the whole caring process, where he cleans you up, gives you a shower-"

"puts you back in your clothes, tucks you in and cuddles you to sleep.. with a kiss being planted on your head.." you finished off her sentence and looked down, feeling foolish.

 _i like to break the pretty ones,_ you remembered him saying to you and tears formed in your eyes. "listen, i don't know if he's changed, because that was years ago, but i'm telling you because i care about you and don't want you getting heartbroken. plus, he is a cold hearted guy." aria said and her hand stroked your arm gently, in comfort.

"where's your friend now?"

"i don't know. after that whole thing, she left the starkiller base and went to god knows where."

you nodded and a tear fell down your cheek, wiping it away with your sleeve. "there's probably been others, then." you mumbled, keeping your head down and had a gut wrenching feeling. you felt sick.

"probably, probably not. but that's none of my business. if i were you, i'd act like he never existed before he does that to you." she warned and pulled you into a hug, her arms holding you ever so tightly.

you didn't want to cry and feel vulnerable again. you hated feeling vulnerable, so much. it was an emotion that you wanted to punch.

"i'll do that. i'll act like he never existed." you muttered and she nodded, rubbing your back. "i just, need to talk to him first, before i do anything else."

"no no. if you talk, you get pulled in further into the mess and you can't get back out. just act like he isn't even a human being in your life."

you sighed and got out of her hold, sniffling. you inhaled sharply and deeply, nodding, once again. "can i stay at your quarters tonight?" you asked and she nodded. "of course! we haven't had a sleepover in a while." she exclaimed, holding your hand and you both made your way out of the janitor's closet.

maybe pushing him out of the picture was a better option for you, and you could go back to focusing on your work. he was a distraction and you didn't need that, at all.


	8. chapter eight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idiocy is love.

that night in aria's quarters, you guys talked about the past, memories and what you had planned for the future. she was passed out asleep on her cot, snoring and sleep talking, which made you laugh. you loved that about her.

you tried to follow her words, don't talk to kylo. don't even be around him. you tried and tried, but the thought of him wouldn't let you sleep. you just needed answers.

you quietly got up, trying to be extra silent and kissed her cheek, smiling fondly to yourself. you stepped outside of the hatch and checked your surroundings, looking out for guards. it was past the lights out schedule, so being out could lead to consequences.

you huffed, your feet taking you straight to kylo's room. you didn't regret it, for a second. you weren't anxious or nervous, and you wouldn't let him have such control over you this time. you collected yourself, being in front of the two guards.

"your reasoning?"

"the commander, important."

one looked at the other, shrugging and looked back at you. "the commander is away from his quarters right now, busy with things. you can come back another time." one informed and you sighed, giving them a smile.

"well, as for visiting his quarters, i forgot my bag in his room and it has my clipboard with it, which is super important! i'll just grab it and come right back." you told them and they nodded, opening the doors for you. "oh, and inform general hux for me that i need to see the commander within an hour. it's to discuss his health, it seems to not be stable."

you walked to his room and entered, gazing around. you were in suspicion and started to look around his room. it was too large of an area to fully cover and investigate. you looked under his bed, the sides of it, looking for god knows what. maybe a journal or something.

he didn't have much clothes, they were neatly folded on top of each other on a table and you sighed. you were officially losing your mind. your head turned to the side, seeing another door. you slowly made your way to it and the hatch opened, the air of the room touching your face, and lights flickered on. what the hell was this room?

before you could go in deeper, the main hatch door opened and you spun around in surprise, facing kylo. his mask was on and it intimidated you. "what are you doing in here?" he asked and shoved you out of the secretive room, nearly kicking you off your balance.

"take off the fucking mask." you demanded and he stood there for a second, agreeing. he put the mask on the side table and you didn't even hold back. your hand came into contact with his cheek and your blood boiled. he didn't bother to look at you nor even didn't react in any pain, just smirked.

"you don't fucking get to play around with me. i don't want to be your stupid fuck outlet or anything!" you yelled and he eyed you, nodding. "want to evaluate on that, sweetheart?" he asked. "there was another girl before me who worked at medbay. and probably more." you answered, your heart aching and you didn't want to show any weakness.

"ah, that girl. want me to be honest with you, doll? there were others, but it was during the time where i was in so much pain, and all of the first order was clawing down my back, to ruin the republic and take over. they expected me to be a high, evil leader and i poured all my pain onto other people." he explained and sighed, rubbing his face with his leather gloves.

"you're still going through that pain? i'm just your fuck thing until you're all healed and good? because i'm really feeling fucking stupid for falling in love with you!" you shouted and covered your mouth, eyes about to pop out of your sockets.

"what did you just say?" he asked and you shook your head, denying you said anything. "i have to go.." you mumbled, walking passed him, but he stopped you in your track, grabbing your arm. 

"i don't do love. it's weak and stupid." he whispered in your ear, then letting you go. you stared back at him and tears came down your cheeks. "don't ever talk to me again." you told him and gave him one last smack, storming out of his room and through his level's doors. the guards farewelled you, but you ignored them.

you should've listened to aria. you felt so dumb and naive. your heart always fell for the person who showed you the slightest of their attention, love or touch. but it's because you never had any of that growing up, so when someone did give you that bare minimum, you would drop to your knees for them and get attached, too easily. but you were foolish for being that way with kylo.

aria was right about kylo. he is a cold hearted person. he doesn't care. he doesn't have feelings. he's probably not even human. you sobbed and could barley catch your breath, anxiety filling your body.

you forget your body was coated in his shirt, and you hugged yourself as you sat on the ramp stairs that led down to the docking bay. your sobbed echoed and you stared at the galaxy. you wanted to shoot yourself out into space and forget all this. you wanted to forget kylo and his dumb self. you wanted forget his warm touch, his protective hold around you, his scent and his stupid smirk.

you don't know how long you cried for, but time was passing by slowly and your mind didn't wonder with thoughts or questions anymore. you covered your mouth, silently crying. you didn't want anyone to catch you, when you were out of your quarters and a complete mess.

you felt actual pain in your heart, like a sharp object stabbed through it. you hiccuped, coughed and sobbed. you wish you could go back in time and fix everything.

your head started to hurt and got lightheaded. you brought your knees up to your chest and hugged them, crying your last tears. the last scent to catch your nose was kylo's shirt and you blacked out.


	9. chapter nine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything unravels.

_you were walking through the dark, the sky was a very, dark blue. the air was so cold, your arms could turn into ice. you didn't know where you were._ _whisperings of your name called out to you, and you frantically looked around._ _you couldn't tell where you were._

_"who's there?" you asked and a baby's cry was heard. you turned around and few feet in front of you was a mother, holding her newborn. "give her!" a guard ordered, grabbing the baby from the mother, as she begged for him not to take away her child._

_she was sobbing your name. the guard was looking at the baby's features, walking away and a red lightsaber activated. a man was dressed in all dark_ _._

_it was kylo._

_someone touched your shoulder and you saw an old man, he seemed so sad and concerned for kylo._ _the lightsaber screamed and kylo brought it up, about to murder her._

_"kylo don't do it!"_

_the old man covered your eyes and you could only clearly hear the lightsaber._ _you heard screams and yelling of pain. it pained your heart. a dark, groggy voice called your name too. it was so unfamiliar, it scared you. you didn't know what to say or do, vision blacked out._

_"kylo!"_

"stop it!" your eyes ripped open, you screamed and lunged forward, your body sweating and full of fear, trembling. tears were already streaming down your face and you saw a figure next to you. "get the fuck out of my room!" you yelled at kylo, spitting in his face. "you had a nightmare.." he said, worriedly. "oh, so now you fucking care? i told you to practically leave me alone." you told him, wiping away your tears and tried to catch a breath.

the dream replayed in your brain and you couldn't look at him. you had no memory of your mother's face. "go away.." you whispered, tears falling down onto lap and you barley realized you were in the medbay. he refused and sat on the edge of the bed, watching you break into pieces.

"what was it about?" he asked and your head hung down, tucking your hair behind your ears. "you. my mom. a guard. an old man, who looked like he knew you." you bluntly responded, finally able to breathe. "the guard took me away, my mom cried and you were about to murder her. the old man touched me and covered my eyes, so i wouldn't see you being a monster."

"that's what you think of me? as a monster?"

"now i do."

he got up and stared at the wall, out of words. "who was the man?" he questioned and you peeked up at him. "i don't know. he had grey hair, skin was honey-like, and seemed sweet. he looked really worried." you replied, sniffling and chewing onto your lower lip. "wait, how did i get into the medbay?"

"i found you on the stairs, passed out and barley breathing. you've been asleep for about a full day." he took a full glance of you and you fiddled with your fingers. there was a silence, that wasn't awkward or anything, just annoying. you wanted an apology.

"you know who the man was."

"han solo, my father."

your eyes widened, and that named sounded familiar. "what happened to him?" you asked and his hands clenched, kicking the table next to him. "hey hey! stop that! damn, i'm sorry for asking."

he threw his lightsaber to wall, creating a dent in it. "kylo, come here. lay your head on my lap." you softly said and he listened, slowly walking over to you. you comfortably sat up and his head rested on your lap, your fingers playing with your hair. he was calm again, his breathing being normal and not so huffy.

"you're okay, ky."

"i like when you call me that."

"ky? i thought of it from top of my head."

his cheeks curved and a small smile was on his face. _a smile._ you kissed his forehead and he closed his eyes. you didn't know what this all meant. yes, you hated him and wanted to kick him, maybe even in the dick, but you wanted to hold him and see who this man truly was. you knew he wasn't kylo ren.

"what's your real name then?"

"ben solo."

you chuckled, finding it adorable. that name suited him better than kylo ren. "what happened to ben solo?" you asked and he shrugged. "don't know. gone, or lost. maybe died." he mumbled, his voice becoming hushed.

"i don't believe that. do you really want to do all this? be evil and hurt people? just to please people who have no hearts?" you questioned and he looked up at you, his eyes glossy. "with my force, supreme leader snoke took me in, under his wing. he trained me for years, wanting me to continue my grandfather's legacy. luke skywalker had failed to mentor me. so, i do believe i belong to the dark side." he explained, sighing and looked down at his hands.

"i can help you."

he hummed and raised his eyebrows, shaking his head. "ben solo is dead. gone. out of existence. he was weak and foolish. that is not." he said and you thought to yourself, trying to find some solution. you knew he could change. you had a strong feeling of it. when you believed in something, you chased after it to make come true. you weren't going to give up  
on him. you would try to bring back ben solo. you say the training as manipulation and abuse. it disgusted you, really. snoke was the reason why kylo turned out this way and had doubts of being good again.

you cupped his cheeks, kissing his nose and smiled. "we take out snoke." you muttered and his eyes widened, lifting his body up, face shocked from what you said. "you're asking for a death wish. and not only that, he has more force in his finger, than i do in my entire body. how could you help me? you're not trained with any weapon!"

"then train me, commander."

he went quiet, thinking and groaned. he thought to himself for a while, sitting in front of you. "i have to focus on finding the scavenger that ruined starkiller base, then taking down the resistance. she's my top priority right now and i need to finish her. after that, i'll think about hurting my mentor. i have more important duties." he said and you frowned, kylo standing up.

you nodded and he grinned, kissing your forehead. he locked the hatch door and your eyes widened, quite off guard. "don't worry, we're not doing anything. i'm staying with you to make sure you'll be okay." he said and you hummed in response, scooting over and made room for him. he took off his shoes and nuzzled up next to you, pulling you into his chest. your face dug into it, and took in his smell.

he rested his chin on top of your head, and you closed your eyes, feeling safe again. you knew you'd sleep well now.


	10. chapter ten.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jealously like an ignition that starts a wildfire.

the next few days, you and kylo kept your distance, focusing on both your assignments. you did miss him and thought about him a lot, but work at the medbay distracted you easily from him.

doctor miles called your name, making you spin around and smile. "yes, sir?" you asked and he was accompanied by another person. "this is the new, fellow trainee." he told you, and you shook hands with the stranger, introducing yourself. your energy was warm and presentable.

"nice to meet you, i'm josh." he greeted, smiling back. "today, i need you to show himself around the medbay, what a trainee does daily, and you know, everything i taught you." doctor miles explained and you nodded, giving him your signature thumbs up.

"follow me, josh! i want you to know, things are very easy here, as i think so, and you'll be working along an amazing team. if you have any issues or problems, then you can always come to me, doctor miles or anyone in the crew." you informed him and josh nodded, trailing behind you while you showed him around.

your entire day consisted of being josh's leader and he took notes, asked questions, the basics of what you liked. you were finally done showing him around and sighed contently, smiling.

"i have another question. are you talking to someone? like anyone? any interest?"

your smile died, and your cheeks puffed out, thinking. you and kylo weren't a thing, but you did take full interest into him. you did love him, though he didn't feel the same, nor even say it. you thought back to that night where he held you in your room and slowly started to show his true colors, but you didn't know if that was a once in a lifetime thing.

"um, kinda. don't ask who, just somebody. and even if i didn't, sometimes not dating is just for the better benefits upon ourselves, so it doesn't distract us from our job." you told him and he nodded, taking the rejection well. "that's all i wanted to know. but, thank you so much. you are a really good guider and i appreciate it." he exclaimed, and you smiled widely, your cheeks turning red.

"uh, no problem. i was just like you at one point, so i know how you feel. do you want to come with me to the cafe hall?" you asked and he nodded, his smile being bright and full of happiness. you've never seen someone so happy. it was like you, but with a penis attached.

josh walked besides you, as you both made your way to the cafe hall. you noticed aria sitting down, signaling him to follow you right after both grabbing your meals. you sat down in front of aria, snapping her out of her thoughts. "hey! oh, and i see we have a newcomer." she teased, laughing and smiled, sticking out her hand. "pleasure to meet you, stranger. i'm aria!" she greeted and he shook her hand. "josh." he simply named himself, smiling.

aria and josh talked, while you overheard them and smiled. he was better than theo, at least. you didn't hear anything about theo since the day he was taken. you didn't know if he was already flying around in space or being held inside a cell.

"and this girl, totally the smartest person ever!" aria told him, and you finally came back to reality. "what? pft, i'm not! i'm really not." you defensively said, shaking your head and chuckled. "yes, you are! you graduated top of the academy, beating everyone in every skill field, including weapon fighting." she explained, and he was in shock, even in awe.

"the weapon fighting course was so lame. i only passed it because you were my partner for the whole year and we did nothing but mess around when the teacher wasn't looking!" you reassured her, and he listened to you and aria fight about it, laughing. "i'm sure you were amazing at it." josh complimented and you blushed, smiling like an idiot.

"anyways! i'm not smart, end of discussion."

they giggled and he nudged you playfully, your cheeks hurting at this point. yeah, he was way better than theo and you already felt comfortable around him. his brown hair was fluffy and his skin was perfectly tanned, his smile being wide and bright. you stopped checking him out when he eyed out, grinning and caught you.

going back to eating, you saw general hux start to approach you from the corner of your eye and you dropped your spoon, rubbing your temple in irritation. you stood up, already knowing you were going to have to leave for kylo.

"shit, wait! he can hear me." you muttered inaudibly to yourself and looked at general hux. "greetings. the commander wants to see you in his quarters for treatment. i honestly don't know why he keeps telling me to do these things for him."

"it's because you're his little bitch."

you pushed passed hux, rolling your eyes and made your way to kylo's quarters, the guards already noted for your appearance. they open the doors for you and you sighed, biting your lip.

once the hatch door opened, he was standing right there and grabbed you by the wrist, dragging you inside. you heard him lock his hatch door.

"taking a new interest in someone, as i heard."

you swallowed nervously and shook your head, trying to have words come out your mouth, but nothing did. you needed to start reminding yourself to be careful of what you thought. he took off his helmet and threw it carelessly to the ground, rolling away.

"i'm not. he's just a trainee and a new friend." you assured him and he chuckled, not believing a word you said. "do i really have to remind you again?" he asked and grabbed your jaw, forcing you to hold strict eye contact with him. you whimpered and pouted, shaking your head. "no, no. i'm sorry, commander."

his fingers unraveled from your face and smirked, grabbing his lightsaber. the weapon hit your bruise, a scream leaving your mouth and you tried to ignore the aching feeling. "you must be really fucking dumb, huh? thinking you can just be with someone else, when i think i made it clear you're only mine?"

you rubbed your jaw and teared up, but that didn't stop him. he was showing no mercy. the weapon clashed to the floor and he shoved you onto the bed, stripping off your bottoms and panties, with your shoes. his clothes ruffled, taking off his layers, shoes, and only leaving himself in his pants. "such an brainless whore. always forgetting who you belong to, hm?"

"no no, not at all. please, sir-"

"shut it."

his words made you wet, and with no warning, you felt him push inside of you, your eyes rolling back. "make any fucking noise, and i'll hurt you more. this is for me to enjoy, not you." he said, thrusting in at a fast pace and you covered your mouth, biting down onto the blanket. you were enjoying it, and though if it was a punishment, you loved it. you loved the feeling of him inside you.

your eyes rolled back as he savaged inside you, his hand smacking your ass harshly. "mine. all fucking mine, and no one else gets to have you." he mumbled and his hands slipped under your shirt, his nails scratching your back, down to your waist and tightly gripped onto it.

you were seeing stars and your mind went blank, only fog filling inside it. you quietly whimpered and moaned, trying your best to make it unheard. "this is all you're ever good for. just for my cock and to please me." he harshly started to degrade you, and it made your stomach grow butterflies. "disgusting whore. you're taking me so well, like the filthy bitch you are."

you could've sworn your heart flipped and finding it crazy you were enjoying all this. your toes curled and teeth bit down harder onto the blanket, the pit feeling arising in your stomach. you wanted to ask for his permission, but denied to.

your white liquid poured all out and covered his cock, breathing heavily. you felt his fingers wrapped into your hair and yanked you back to him. "did you just fucking cum without my permission?" he asked and you nodded, smiling proudly. he chuckled, taking off your shirt and bra, the last clothing on your body.

he slipped out of you and flipped you around onto your back, straddling up to your face. his hold onto your hair came back, leaning your head up and your lips wrapped around his cock. "let's see what your pretty mouth can do." he sneered and fucked your mouth and throat, refusing to let you breathe. he smirked to your gagging and your saliva coating his member, drooling falling out of your mouth. your drool ran down your chin to your neck, and when you lost eye contact with him, he would shove your mouth deeper onto his cock.

tears streamed down your cheeks, your innocent eyes becoming glossy. "look at you now, my pathetic plaything. you were so innocent and pure once, and i corrupted you. you like being corrupted by me, don't you?" he asked and you hummed a response, the vibrations on his member making him hiss sharply. "fucking whore."

he continued to pound into your mouth, and you tried your best to breathe through your nose, getting dizzy. "shit, i'm gonna cum.." he muttered and you prepared yourself, his liquid running into your mouth. his quickly pulled out, the rest falling onto your face.

you wanted more of him. you wanted to be braindead by him and have him use to continuously. he hovered over you and his eyes darkened. "i heard that." he said, taking off the rest of his clothes.

he picked you up and leaned against the wall, placing you down on his thigh. "ride. that's the closest you'll get to having me." he whispered and you nodded, slowly grinding on his thigh and whined. "eyes on me, sweetheart."

you gazed into his eyes, that were soft and his hands were on your hips, slowly guiding you. your hand slowly touched his chest, your eyes asking if it was okay. he nodded and your hands touched him, taking him all in. his body was beautiful and his face was a god-like structure. you took in the scars and wounds he had, knowing he was survivor and fighter. you loved that he never gave up.

you picked up your pace, hands on his shoulders for support and whined. "feels good.." you mumbled and he grinned, kissing your forehead. your thighs were aching and it was so easy for you to cum.

you wanted to say it, but bit down onto your tongue. "say what?" he asked softly and held you close while you continued to grind. "am i allowed to say it without ruining this moment?" you asked back and he nodded.

"i love you." you whispered in his ear, your breath on his skin sending shivers down his spine and his hands on your waist gripped tighter. "likewise." he said back and you smiled fondly, kissing his neck.

your legs started to tremble and you pouted, whimpering into his neck. "go ahead, sweetheart. cum for me." he said and your climax released onto his thigh, trying to catch your breath.

"that's my good girl. so fucking good."

you blushed and he wrapped your legs around his torso, picking you up. you held onto him, your face never leaving the crook of his neck. you heard him turn on the shower, settling you down gently on the tile floor.

he grabbed a small cloth and wet it, wiping off your face and in between your legs. "you did very well." he mumbled and you nodded, hugging your upper body. he washed you off and then himself, doing the usual routine.

your legs shook as you stood up, but caught you before you fell. "hey, take it easy. slow and gentle." he told you, covering you in a blanket. scooping you up into his arms, your eyes started to slowly close. he sat you on his mattress, putting back on your panties and bra, along with shirt.

"you leaving again?" you questioned and he shook his head, watching you get under the covers. "no, not until tomorrow. i have to take care of business with someone." he answered and you nodded, not wanting to ask who this someone was.

he changed back into his clothing and laid next to you, cuddling you into him. you nuzzled your face into his neck and your lids close. "i love you." you said once again, your voice being quiet and sleepy.

"likewise, princess."


	11. chapter eleven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> be careful of what you say or think.

kylo left that next morning, no kiss or goodbye. your heart felt broken and you didn't know how long he would be gone for, but the days passed slowly. you continued your day, trying your best to be happy.

you remembered him talking about some scavenger, and assumed he was referring to that person that night. you wondered who this person was, and you sighed. was it a girl? maybe not. you didn't want to overthink it.

you clocked out of the medbay early and made your way back to your quarters, no emotion on your face. then someone ran up to you, realizing it was josh. "oh, hey!" you greeted, smiling small and his mouth being printed with a huge one.

"hi. look, you seem really down and i'm not going to ask what happened, but, if you want, later, we can just hang around, do anything you want to." he offered and you thought about it, nodding. "yeah, that sounds amazing." you replied and he chuckled, patting your back.

"awesome, i'll be at the docking bay waiting for you later tonight. see you!" he said, turning back around and you smiled, sighing. you walked into your quarters, hating the sight of your cot. you had no valuable excuse to go back to kylo's quarters, so you would just have to live with this.

you grabbed a book, settling down onto the cot, reading the fictional princess tales, which has been your favorite since you were a kid. your brain couldn't read along the lines, constantly going back to kylo. you wanted to help him. save him. you knew ben solo was part of him, and that side was coming back, but snoke could destroy him.

would it be stupid of you to kill snoke on your own?

you had somewhat training with weapons, mostly a blaster and hard rocks, because of the academy. you tossed your book onto the ground and sighed. but no one here would train you, only kylo would.

you continued thinking to yourself and got up, sighing. you needed time to yourself and to fully think. be away from kylo. you grabbed your shoulder bag and tucked your tales book into it, having enough essentials in it.

you had one stop, and that was kylo's quarters. you took a last look of your room and started to walk to his. your plan was to bribe a TIE fighter pilot somehow and see if they could take you to some other planet, that was abandoned or had a small population of outcasts.

there was no guards and you entered right through the doors, to kylo's room. the hatch opened right away and you stepped inside, grabbing a shirt of his, stuffing it into your bag. one last part of him, for the time being.

your trip to his room was quick and observed it for the last moment. that was it. you teared up and sniffled, leaving right away to the docking bay.

as you made your way, you stopped at the top of the staircase, seeing kylo, but someone came through the docking bay. it wasn't an aircraft or anything. like a small shuttle. it was just accompanied by someone, only having room for one.

he stared at that person and they got out, while you watched the whole scene break out. _it was a girl_. he held her hand to help her out and the stormtroopers were his guards. she seemed to know him, and your heart dropped.

you knew it. you knew he was lying. right there and then, you wanted to scream and kill him, not caring of the consequences. but this was the scavenger, and you had no reason to be jealous. you guys weren't in a relationship or anything, just close and intimate. nothing more would come.

once he turned around, he noticed you. your eyes were full of tears and your heart was broken. you were raging inside your mind. he had no feelings to share or words to say. "i'm done. we're done." you mouthed to him and bolted off, not looking back. you pushed people out of your way and everyone was questioning why you were so hurt.

you couldn't tell them that the commander of the first order, broke your heart again. that he lied to you, again. that he was a monster and would never change. you went into the janitor's closet, locking the door. there was even barley a janitor, so nobody would come to find you.

you slid down the wall, covering your mouth and sobbed. you opened your bag and pulled out his shirt, cuddling it into your chest, holding it close. you took in his smell for the last time, and closed your eyes. and it was the moment in your life, where memories would flood back. every detail, every word. _everything._

you felt stupid for loving him, and trying to help him. you were foolish, once again. you didn't know how you fell into his trap so easily. he was selfish. he didn't care. he didn't want you, just was in it for the pleasure and that any word he said, made you spiral into his trap more.

you felt drained and tired, looking around in the closet. the ground wasn't the comfiest, but it would have to do. you found couple of bed sheets on the shelf and set up a bed for yourself. you sniffled and your tears went away finally.

you would have to admit it though. the scavenger was much prettier than you, which made you feel like you had competition. what was he doing behind your back with the scavenger? did they have something more?

you wish he was keeping you warm, but that would never happen again. you sat down onto the bedsheet and started to think of the girl. what was so special about her? was she better than you? maybe she had the force.

isolation was the finest idea for you and your mindset, not wanting to see kylo. if you did, you'd probably bash his head.

you spoke too soon.

the janitor's closet door burst open, causing you to flinch and to see kylo. "don't fucking come near me! i will fucking murder you! i will gouge out your eyes!" you threatened and he activated his lightsaber, as a sign of self defense. "go back to her. i don't care anymore."

"you saw her. the scavenger."

you nodded and the tears started to come back. "i need her help. she has the force that's stronger than mine, and don't forget, she is the reason i was in the hospital, and why starkiller base exploded." he explained and you got up, chuckling and dropping his shirt to the ground.

"oh, well i'm so sorry i'm not special like her. i'm so sorry i'm human-like and don't know how to properly handle a lightsaber or fight."

"that's not what i-"

"i'm sorry i don't have the force. i'm sorry i'm not skilled or good enough to help you. i'm sorry i even said i love you, because i don't! and whatever your way of loving me was, it was complete bullshit!"

he was taken back and gulped. for once, you saw regret on kylo's face. you were angry, and words you don't mean always come out when you are. "so go back to her, and fuck her or whatever you want to, because i'm done. and i will send a request to general hux to send me off somewhere else so i don't have to see you ever again." you told him and walked passed him, leaving him there.

you cried along your path to general hux's office, and he wasn't busy when you entered. "what has happened, miss?" he asked, concerned for once and raised a brow.

"i need to get out of here."


	12. chapter twelve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's all a bittersweet tragedy of infatuation.

_"i need to get out of here."_

general hux looked at you confused and got up from his chair. "you want to transfer?" he asked and you nodded, sighing. you wiped away your tears, embarrassed for how much of a mess you were.

"we can't transfer for you now, it's too much of a risk for the first order, so you would have to wait a bit longer." he said and you shook your head, demanding to be transferred immediately. "no, it's impossible. you will wait if you need to transfer that badly."

your fingernails clawed into your palm, and nodded, storming out of his office. kylo was waiting for you outside, mask off. you acted like he was invisible until he grabbed your arm. "come with me." he said, and you didn't have a choice, really. he had a strong hold on your arm, taking you into a conference room. you saw the scavenger there and your heart dropped.

"ah, so this is the girl you always rant about." she said and smiled, shaking your hand. "rey."

you mumbled your name, shy and confused on what was going on. "does someone want to explain, before i lose my mind?" you asked and kylo sighed, eyeing rey and gave her some signal.

"we're taking out snoke." she straightforward told you. you raised a brow, bursting out into a laugh and shook your head. "kylo, i thought that plan was stupid and wasn't going to happen." you reminded him and he didn't have any reaction, nor did she. they were serious. "oh wait. this is really happening."

you took it all in for a moment, nodding. "but i don't have that much training. i mean, in the academy, i learned how to use a blaster and hard stick." you sighed and rey was smiling, nudging kylo, though he was trying his best to keep his serious face on.

"we have a plan."

"a plan? oh god, this is gonna happen."

you rubbed your temple and sighed, staring back at them. "wait, where does she come from?" you questioned and her mouth made an 'o' shape, chuckling nervously. "the resistance." she answered you, scratching the back of her neck.

"then why are helping us?"

"because.. it's hard to explain, and quite a long story. but, you can help us ruin snoke."

your lips went to a thin line, humming and eyed rey. "so you two have history?" you asked and kylo knew what you were getting at, glaring at you. "i guess." she responded, shrugging and started to feel at unease. you decided to recollect yourself and forced a smile.

"no. i won't help."

their eyes widened, and her smiled dropped. "i'm not going to help because since you two have such history together or whatever romance, you can handle it. as for me, i'll go back to being the trainee at medbay, who was okay and normal before she met kylo ren, who broke her heart." you snapped, stepping out of the hatch door and crossed your arms over your chest.

you passed by the docking bay, seeing josh and he saw you. his smile came upon his face when he got that full glimpse of you, running towards you. he pulled you into a hug and it felt refreshing. "you okay, love?" he asked and you nodded.

"now i am."

you both stood there in each other's arms for a minute, then his arms loosened around you, taking one step back. from over his shoulder, you saw kylo, standing there and his face changed from sorrow to anger.

you interlocked your fingers with josh's, walking the other direction with him and smiled. "where are we going?" he asked and you shrugged, not knowing but didn't care.

"maybe the cafe hall. it's usually empty an hour before it closes."

you led him to cafe, both of you smiling wide and giggling. you wouldn't say you suddenly liked josh, because you didn't, your heart always belonged to kylo. but with josh, he made you feel happy. you didn't grab anything to eat, just sat down, across from each other.

"so, tell me about you." josh said, smiling and you chuckled, playfully rolling your eyes. "there's not much to tell. i am just ordinary, i guess." you told him and your cheeks were red, feeling flustered.

"i doubt that. from what aria was telling me, you seem like a very smart girl, with a lot of creativity and brightness inside her."

you blushed and giggled, shrugging. "what about yourself, new boy?" you asked and he grinned, eye contact never being broken. "i've always liked helping people. something that naturally came to me." he answered and you nodded, chuckling some more with him.

the great conversation was interrupted by a stormtrooper, approaching you both. _how does kylo always know where i'm at,_ you thought in your head and you stood up, side eyeing josh.

"the commander needs to see you in his quarters, immediately. he is injured and needs your medical attention." the stormtrooper announced and you nodded, pouting at josh.

"it's okay. go take care of him! i'll see you tomorrow." josh kissed your forehead before leaving, and you went the other way, going to kylo's quarters. this time, you were going to give him a piece of your mind and made sure he would stop, that you wanted to forget everything.

you groaned and rolled your eyes went walking into his room, and he heard you. "glad you know how to follow orders." he said, turning around and faced you.

"listen kylo, i'm done with-"

you went quiet when he placed his lips on yours, shutting you up and you instantly kissed him back. he pulled back and his forehead was on yours, looking into your eyes.

he made a safe distance between you two, walking backwards a bit. "say what you need to, and then i'll speak. if i can't change your mind after this, you're free to do whatever you want and we can go our separate ways." he said and you swallowed thickly, nodding.

"i don't know what that scavenger means to you, but she's seems amazing and yes, i am jealous. i know i have no right to be because we aren't anything, at all and never will be. i know you probably have a closer bond with her due to you both having the force and being strong, powerful people, and i'm just a basic person, with nothing to me. but, that doesn't mean you get to treat me like shit. like i'm not good enough for you or i don't do enough." you started off and he nodded, remaining silent and patient to hear you finish.

"even when you were injured, i was there, even when it wasn't an order. and i know we've had probably had more sex than communicating, but every time we talked, it was amazing. especially at night, where you would hold me and made me feel safe. i've never had that before and yes, i fell in love with you. i'm sorry to say it, but i did. and you're probably thinking it's because i had no parental figure or any love growing up, and that can be true, but when we spoke for the first time, i felt a spark. i don't know if that's my foolish, loving self talking, but i felt it. and i love you, kylo ren. i don't care if you forever stay kylo ren or ben solo, i love you and that won't change." you were out of breath by the time you were finished, the heavy weight disappearing into the strong, atmosphere.

he smiled. his toothy smile and your heart melted. "i felt it, i did. and i'm sorry i'm not good at showing my love for you, and i'm sorry i haven't been the greatest person, coming and going." he apologized and you teared up, sniffling. he cupped your cheeks, and kissed your forehead.

in this moment, you wanted nothing more. you loved this, and you knew this wasn't kylo ren. no, this was ben solo. kylo ren was a mask and it was finally about to be ripped off, thrown away forever.

"sweetheart."

"yes, ky?"

"i love you."

you smiled wider and blushed, kissing him. your arms lazily wrapped around his neck and he picked you up, twirling you around.

you squealed and felt like a princess in your tales. you pulled away from his lips, gazing into his eyes and saw good. "no more kylo, it's ben." he told you and you nodded.

"i love you, ben solo."

"and i love you, princess."


	13. chapter thirteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> intriguing the man who created kylo ren -- how badly can this end?

kylo was asleep in your arms, snoring softly and you couldn't help but smile. your fingers ran through his hair and held him close to you, kissing his head every now and then.

you agreed to the plan of rey's and kylo's, letting you be aware of them being a dyad in the force and of course, explained to you all about it. they would use it to protect you when it came to demolishing snoke. you were starting to warm up to rey, but it would take awhile. you wanted kylo to get enough rest and be prepared. they wanted to jump right into it, though you still didn't even know how to properly hold a lightsaber.

kylo lids fluttered open and his eyes went straight to yours. "you're still here?" he asked and you nodded, smiling. "yeah, wanted to make sure you'd be okay." you said, kissing his forehead and he chuckled.

"how long was i asleep for?" he asked once more and you shrugged, pouting. "don't know. about probably three to five hours." you answered and he nodded, sitting up. he muscles flexed when stretching and you got a perfect view of his back, practically drooling over the sight.

"i know you're staring, sweetheart."

you furrowed your eyebrows and huffed, crossing your arms over your chest. "we should wake up rey and finish this." he said and you hugged him from behind, your chin resting on his shoulder, looking at him. "i don't want to think negative or say anything negative, but if anything happens to either one us, we will stay strong and continue on with the goods in our hearts." you told him and he slightly peeked back at you.

"i will not letting anyone hurt you nor will you die. and i won't either. i won't leave you." he replied, kissing your forehead and you nodded, pulling back. his true identity would shine soon.

you both got up from his bed, putting on your daily, everyday clothes. you started to always wear his shirts now, since they were comfortable. he was about to walk out the door with you until you grabbed his hand and looked back at you, worried.

"i'm scared."

he smiled small and hugged you tightly, kissing the top of your head. "i know. you won't lose me. i'm going to be by your side, forever." he reassured you and you nodded, getting out of his embrace and you held his hand on the way to where rey was staying, which was only the room next to his.

he opened the hatch and she was up, already. she was an early bird and filled with too much excitement. stepping inside her room and closing the door, you let go of his hand for a moment. "let's revise the plan." kylo ordered and rey nodded, the three of you standing couple of inches away from each other.

"supreme leader snoke will think you, kylo ren, are taking me to him so he can finish me off. as for you, you will be accompanied along my side as someone who ruined starkiller base with me and is a threat to the first order. if this plan dissolves and turns into a different direction, that's when we will attack." rey explained and you nodded while she spoke each word and mentioned your role in the plan, your cheeks puffing out. "if the attack becomes worse, that's when will use the force to protect you."

"he has guards in there, so be prepared for that." kylo told you and you gave him a thumbs up, your palms sweating and your heartbeat racing. you were doing all this to help the man you love and would do anything to protect him.

"do i get a weapon or am i just kicking and punching? because i'm really amazing at that!" you exclaimed, trying to lighten up the mood, but their faces stayed plain, dead serious. "sorry.. wrong crowd."

rey handed you a lightsaber and you ignited it, the color being green. your eyes were amazed by the blaze of it, then you turned it off, tossing it to kylo, for him to hold onto. "rey.." you mumbled and she hummed in response. she was taken back by you hugging her, taking a few seconds for her to hug you back. "thank you.. for helping him and us. sorry for what i said the other day." you whispered in her ear and she laughed, patting your back.

you both eventually pulled back for one another and kylo was rolling his eyes, groaning. the three of you headed out of the room, straight to snoke. "if general hux is looking for me, tell him i am handling business and for him to mind his own." kylo informed the guards and they nodded in response, intimidated by him.

when your foot stepped on the elevator floor, you had a gut feeling something bad would happen, yet didn't mention it to them. they were already tensed up enough. you stood by kylo's, your index finger interlocking with his and he looked at you, giving you a grin. you felt anxious, nervous and could throw up your guts any moment from how scared you were. that gut feeling wouldn't leave. you tried not to even think about it.

the elevator door opened and you saw a disgusting creature, sitting on his throne. he was twice the size of kylo and his eyes were swollen in. you wanted to rip his head off already. you and rey trailed behind kylo, then he kneeled and you two were in front of him, almost looking like bait.

"ah, what do we have here? the force girl and this other one?" he questioned and your hands started to shake, your heart about to pop out of your chest. you didn't kneel, nor did kylo even mention your name.

"she is a threat to the first order and helped take down starkiller base. she killed every person on the base and left with the scavenger. i brought them together, so the resistance could back down." kylo responsed, peeking up at him. you wanted to defend him. you decided to keep your mouth shut and bit on your tongue.

snoke force grabbed rey's lightsaber and put it aside him, chuckling. you zoned out once he started threatening rey, the resistance and killing someone named luke skywalker. you tried not to cry, all this being too much. you went from being a medical trainee to fighting a supreme leader, for the benefit of saving kylo's soul.

you closed your eyes, breathing in sharply and everything around you went silent. your mind went into a safe, protective place. you were shielding it from snoke, rey and kylo. first, she tried to grab back her lightsaber but it rounded her and hit her back of the head, with snoke retrieving it.

you saw rey being flown to the side of the room, looking into a glass window, while snoke tried to break down her power. she resisted and used her force to grab kylo's lightsaber, activating it and the guards grabbed their weapons. kylo finally stood up and you swallowed thickly, eyeing her. she gave you nod and you both lunged towards snoke, only for him to push you both and fall on your backs.

kylo's lightsaber dropped and spun in a circle few times, looking up at him. his face was emotionless. no fear, no sympathy. you wished snoke didn't get in his head. the force choke was on yours and rey's necks, spinning you around and kneeled in front of kylo, panicking.

"my worthy apprentice, son of darkness, heir apparent to darth vader. where their is conflict, i know sense resolved, where there was weakness, strength.. complete your training and fulfill your destiny." snoke said and kylo picked up the lightsaber in front of you, his eyes in yours, not rey's. "i know what i have to do.." he said, not losing eye contact with you.

"ben.." you whispered, afraid he fell into snoke's words and trap, once again.

snoke started to wickedly laugh, finding you weak and idiotic. "you think you can turn him? you pathetic child! i cannot be betrayed. i cannot be beaten. i see his mind, i see his every intent. yes.. i see him turning the lightsaber to strike true.. and now foolish child.. he ignites it.."

you saw kylo's fingers twitching and curling, knowing he was up to something and your eyes were tearing up. he could see the fear in them.

"and kills his true enemy!"

and with that, you heard the lightsaber being activated next to snoke, turning your head and saw his eyes widen, taken in by surprise, the force disappearing on you and rey. kylo lunged the lightsaber to rey, and she grabbed it. you got up and saw snoke's body being split into two, then looking back at kylo, smiling small.

"you did it.." you whispered and he nodded, handing you the weapon and the color red coated his face, his turning on.

the elite guards of snoke's came bolting at you, your grip on the weapon was tight and strong. then the sounds and humming rage of three lightsabers were loud, cutting through each guard.

you groaned, kicking one and they fell, your lightsaber stabbing through their face, smiling in pride. "why the hell is there so many of them?" you asked yourself and another one was coming to attack you, making you dodge down and cut off their legs, then stab through their chest. you huffed and saw kylo killing the guards as well.

 _why am i finding him killing these guards so attractive,_ you questioned in your head, raising a brow and finally got to see him in action, smirking. fire started rising through the throne room and you went back to panicking, each guard getting killed off, one by one.

rey was fighting her own group of them and your eyes went to kylo, who was powerless when a guard was choking him with their weapon. you ran to him and they noticed you, dropping him.

they started swinging their weapon at you and your lightsaber vibrated when clashing yours with theirs. you growled and they were pushing you down, about to be knocked off your balance. your lightsaber was coming in near contact with your throat and you looked to the side, seeing kylo trying to fight off every last one, along with rey.

this was your own fight, now. you kicked them in between their legs and they fell back, your hold on your weapon still tight, but so was theirs.

you felt their weapon touching the side of your ribcage, and you gasped loudly. the gasp caught kylo's attention. you looked at him with wide eyes, speechless.

you touched the injured side and brought your hand up, seeing blood covering your fingers. you were stabbed.

your vision fogged and you gave your last all, fighting the guard. your weapon cut through their neck and you breathed heavily.

you looked around and every guard was dead. "ben.." you mumbled and collapsed to the ground, rey and him running over to you. she picked up your head, placing it on her lap and teared up. they were calling your name to keep you focused, but it felt like you were dying.

your hand touched his cheek and smiled weakly. you could only whisper his true name, your voice slowly disappearing. "i love you.." you whispered and your hand fell to your side.

everything went black after that.


	14. chapter fourteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the burning feeling in your heart and head was only the fire of infatuation.

a groan of pain escaped your mouth and your eyes fluttered opened, adjusting to the bright lighting. the ache was on the side and your hand slowly touched it, hissing in reaction.

you turned your head the other way and saw rey, who was asleep, snoring loudly. "rey.." you mumbled and she instantly woke up, eyes widening. "you're awake!" she exclaimed and smiled, though you were confused, questioning why you were in medbay.

"what happened? why am i back in the medbay? where's ben?" you frantically asked, trying to sit up and the pain was too much to bare. "hey hey, lay back down. don't move." she told you and you obeyed, nodding. "we killed snoke, but one of his guard's hurt you. you've been asleep for a few days, and he's with general hux, while also blaming himself."

you frowned, remembering back to the incident and sighed contently. "will i be okay, at least?" you wondered and she nodded, giving you a sympathetic smile. "how did you do it?" she asked and you raised a brow, confused of what she meant.

"do what?"

"shielded your mind. when snoke was talking to me, ben and i couldn't reach into your thoughts anymore, or what you were feeling. it was silent."

you shrugged, reaching your hand out for her to help you up, which she did. she made sure you felt comfortable and okay enough to sit up.

"i really don't know. i remember i just cleared my mind, thought about nothing and let all the fear wash away." you said and were curious yourself, but you didn't think anything further of it. maybe it was nothing.

"when you dream, do you see your mother, father or anyone? someone who is even dead?" she sat next to you and you nodded, not knowing what she was getting to. "and though you've never been mentored or trained, you still know how to use a lightsaber. you shielded your mind from the three strongest force users in the room, even from snoke."

"okay and? i don't know what you're trying to get at, rey. i'm sure it was nothing and probably just some dumb thing, honestly."

she grabbed your hands and smiled at you, her eyes saying something. "when i hugged you, i saw someone who strong and selfless. you are a defender and would protect your loved ones. yet you do fill with rage, but it's because you've been ached for so long and don't know how to handle it. when i touched the skywalker lightsaber, i saw my bloodline and everything that happened in the past. old suppressed memories came back, and i discovered who i was. i didn't even know the force was with me until i met ben." she explained her story and were surprised of how she knew such things. "get to the point already." you muttered, rubbing your temple.

"what if that's happening with you?"

you looked at her like she was crazy, mouth dropped and chuckled, shaking your head. "not possible! i am just a simple, regular human being who's a nurse trainee." you told her and someone walked into the conversation. it was kylo.

"ben.." you whispered and a tear was already falling down your cheek. he smiled small and signaled for rey to leave you both alone for a moment. "we're not done with this talk." she said and left through the hatch.

kylo sat right next to you and carefully pulled you into his embrace, placing you on his lap. "are you okay? what happened?" you asked, cupping his cheeks and his eyes were bloodshot red. _he's been crying._

"well, since the supreme leader is dead, i'm in charge now. but, hux got upset about his death and didn't realize who he was talking to. everything is under control now." he told you and you nodded, kissing his nose. you hugged him and dug your face into his neck.

"i failed you." he whispered and you immediately pulled back, glaring at him. you shook your head and placed a peck on his lips, frowning. "no, you didn't. helping you and rey was my decision. and i know you told me you wouldn't let me get hurt, but it's okay. i'm okay. as long as i have you, i'll be okay." you softly spoke and kissed him, his lips attaching right to yours. he quietly moaned into your mouth, making you smile against his lips.

his lips removed from yours, and you were confused, your hands still on his cheeks. "but, they're seeing right through me. they said if the lights gets to me, they'll destroy me." he told you and you scoffed. in your head, you wanted to find general hux and the counsel, killing them off one by one. "i have a meeting with them all today."

"let me join you, i can defend you."

kylo ran his hands over his face, sighing and looked away from you. "this is not your battle anymore, it's mine. you can't help me." he said and those words stung your heart. "well, you're going to be honest with them, right? you're not kylo ren, you're ben solo!" you argued, and he sat you back down onto the bed, getting up.

his back was facing you, and he paced. "join me." he said, sticking his hand out and you looked at it. "what?" you asked, looking at his hand then into his eyes. "join me, and we can rule together. you can stay by side forever." he was desperate, but this wasn't ben anymore. you almost had ben back. sadly, you ran out of time.

"ben.. please. you don't have to do this. please don't go this way. we can runaway and go somewhere far. this isn't you. you're not kylo ren! you don't have to pretend to be him anymore. snoke is dead, we killed him! gone forever."

"no no! stop!"

you were taken back by his yelling and you started to cry. "i don't want to join you.. i will always love you, as kylo or ben, and when i said that, i meant it. but, i refuse to join you and hurt innocent people." you responded, sniffling and the tears wouldn't stop. "you're a good person. you're just a little broken and lost. let me help you."

"you're playing out a fantasy in your head."

your heart sunk and gulped, wiping away your tears. "you don't mean that. you told me you loved me. you are not kylo ren, you're ben solo. the son of han solo and general leia. you were manipulated by a horrible person and he just wanted to use you. but he's dead now, and you can be free." you reassured him and he rolled his eyes. you didn't know how much more pain your heart could handle from him.

"i was just infatuated by you. i don't love you."

your heart went from aching to breaking, into millions of unfixable pieces. "get out. fuck you and get out. i never want to see you again." you spat and he tried to take back what he said, cutting off his apology.

"no. you meant that, and i'm tired. fuck you, kylo ren. leave." you said and he didn't hesitate, walking out of the room. rey came back in, questioning what happened and she saw you in tears, hugging you.

"rey. do you think you can take me back to the resistance with you? i don't want to stay here anymore." you told her and she nodded, agreeing. "and i want you to tell me more. more of what you know, and see if you know what i'm capable of."

"we'll leave once you're better. for now, rest and calm down. i'll be here." she said and you nodded, laying back down. she sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing your back and you let it all out, until everything was numb inside you.

you felt foolish, again. naive. blindsided. maybe it was all infatuation. maybe it wasn't. you felt real love with him, but the darkness got to him before you could.

you were too late.


	15. chapter fifteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a new secret reveals itself visibly, to you and kylo.

you got out of the medbay few days ago, and nobody knew that you were going to leave with rey to the resistance, in the morning. that you were practically back stabbing the first order.

you were trying to fall asleep on your cot, rey sleeping on the other one that was only a few feet away from you. she said she would tell you more once you both were on the millennium falcon, and you agreed to wait. your sleep deprivation was getting worse, and you got up, slipping on your shoes. you wanted to take a stroll around the ship before you left.

you tried to wash away the memories and the voice of kylo saying he loves you. you couldn't forget that. you would always love him. he was your first love. you still wore his shirts, never wanting to wear anything else.

you heard an echoing of your name, which spun you around and saw him, in another setting. how was he here? "kylo.. how did you- what's happening?" you asked, genuinely confused and looked around at his setting then yours. two completely different areas. "the force is bringing us together." he said and was confused himself, looking at you.

"the force? impossible. you and rey are the dyad in the force." you reminded him, chuckling nervously and wanting to walk off. "mine and her bond is strong, but i think ours is stronger." he told you and your eyes widened, your heart beating.

"once again, impossible. i'm normal and i told you, i didn't want to hear from you ever again."

"the force is bringing us together. you have it.."

you swore your body left your soul once he said those words, not believing him. "no, no! i don't!" you exclaimed, shaking your head and chewed onto your lower lip. "come to my quarters, please. this is all i'm asking for." he spoke and you sighed, agreeing. you made your way to his quarters and the guards didn't even say anything once you entered through the doors, they simply minded their own business.

you walked inside his hatch door and he was sitting on the bed, his eyes being doe and seemed so sad. you crossed your arms over your chest, waiting for him to say something. he stood up and faced you, like he was ready to confess.

"i love you." he started off and your arms dropped, not wanting to go through this again. you were so exhausted from his mood switching self and didn't know what real anymore. you were heartbroken and you've had enough. "kylo-"

"i love you. i am so in love with you, it aches my heart. i love you so much, that you're my galaxy. i love you so much, i would do anything for you. i love you and i mean that. you're the only person who's been patient with me, who's understood me. you risked your life to destroy my abuser. you showed me that love isn't such a bad thing. i always thought that love made you weak, or blinded you, but that's not true. love is an unexplainable feeling, and i have that for you. i love you, so much. and i want you, forever. forever and ever. even when we're force ghosts, i want you. and i know i haven't been the greatest at showing it or even saying it, but i stayed up all night, thinking and finally realizing it. if i have you by my side, i am good and who i am. i'm ben solo, and i love you."

you were left speechless and in tears. happy tears. kylo grabbed your face and kissed you, that was passionate and rough. he didn't give you a moment to speak, just wanting you.

he picked you up, your legs wrapping around his torso and moaned inside each other's mouths. he laid you on the bed, both of you fumbling to take off your clothes, shoes and he made sure to be careful with you. every remaining piece of clothing was left in a messy pile on the ground and your fingers ran through his hair. his hands were on your waist, laying you back and kissed down your stomach, until he got to your clit, looking up at you with accessible eyes.

you nodded and he gently sucked onto it, tongue running up and down your slit. you moaned, eyes rolling back and smiled in pleasure, biting your lip. "eyes on me." he mumbled and you nodded, both of you holding strict eye contact. he moaned against your clit, the vibrations sending through you and your legs twitched, squirming around.

kylo pinned your waist down, preventing you from moving or even squirming. you missed this, the touch of him and his control. his dominance over you. the way he could have you under him in the snap of a finger.

his tongue continued being at work, your fingers running through his hair and never looked away from him. his fingers joined at a medium pace, hitting that _exact_ spot. you whimpered out his name, your back arching and toes curling. his mouth pulled back and smirked at the sight of you.

"you taste so sweet, love. i can't get enough of you." he said, your face reddening and cheeks warm. his mouth went back onto your clit, and you gripped gently onto his locks.

"ben.. i'm gonna cum.." you moaned and he nodded, allowing you to. you gripped harder as you came on his fingers, slipping them out and swallowed your orgasm. he leaned up and placed his fingers on the bottom of your lip, wrapping around them and whined at the taste of yourself.

"good girl. that's my girl." he mumbled and you pouted, his arms holding you while he switched position. you sat on his stomach and he hugged you, digging your face into the crook of his neck. "ready?" he asked and you nodded, feeling him slowly go inside you.

he held you carefully and gently, but his pace was rough and fast. you breathed heavily against his neck and moaned in his ear, your eyes rolling back again. you could see the galaxy in your eyes from how hard he was pounding into you.

"you like this, don't you? my plaything. my pet. mine, and only mine." he spat and you nodded, moaning in agreement. your arms held around his neck tightly, but not too tightly, enough to support yourself.

one arm was wrapped around your waist for support to hold you, and his other hand snaked down, rubbing your clit. "take it." he said and you nodded, your stomach having butterflies. "take it like the good whore you are for me."

the feeling of pleasure was so good, you wanted more of it. "you fit perfectly in my hands. you were made for me. you were created for me, and only me." he told you and his mouth touched your skin, kissing and sucking on it, leaving trails of different colored bruises.

you were a mixture mess of moans, whines and whimpers, that were all desperate for him. you were having the craving feeling for him again. "i want you.." he whispered into your ear and you smiled, kissing his cheek.

"have all of me then.."

the pit, knot climax in your stomach was felt and he realized it once your noises were getting louder. he nodded, wanting to cum with you. once both climaxes were released, you two gasped loudly and tried to catch a breath. yours and his body were sticky and covered with sweat, hair messy too.

"we're not done yet." he said and laid you down on your back, grabbing something from the floor. it was his lightsaber. _oh shit, it's going inside me,_ you said in your head and your heart race went up.

he sat behind you, resting your back on his chest and spread your legs wide open. "don't move or squirm. if you do, i'll make your mouth bleed again. got it?" he threatened and you nodded, looking at the weapon push inside you.

once it did, your breath hitched and you grabbed his arm, gripping on it. "sir.. commander.." you moaned out and felt it go at a slow, steady pace, letting you adjust to its size. it was too big for you, but you tried to handle it.

you hissed at the pain, the cold hilt working slowly in you. you enjoyed the pleasurable pain. you loved it, more than enjoyed it. he kissed the crown of your head and you tried your best to keep your legs opened for him. he wanted a full view of you getting wrecked by his weapon.

"rub your cunt for me." he demanded and your hand slipped down, slowly rubbing it and whined. he picked up the speed, that was at a medium haste. your back arched and eyes rolled, one hand slipping up and choking you. "fuck, you look so pathetic taking my weapon. bet you wish it was my cock instead, hm?" he teased and you nodded, biting your lip. "just pretend it is, sweetheart."

you continued to rub your cunt and anything could make you easily cum again. you loved being in his arms, especially since their was a size difference.

the weapon went from a medium pace to ramming inside you, loud moans and screams of his name leaving your mouth, with small tears running down your cheeks. his fingers around your neck went into your mouth, shutting you up. your mouth sucked on and swirled around them, and your legs trembled.

"you know what to do, doll. cum." he simply commanded and you did, your juices and cum coating on his weapon. he pulled it out and observed it. "nasty little thing you are.." he mumbled and kissed your cheek. he rubbed your back soothingly, tossing the lightsaber to the ground and you sniffled.

"shh, you're okay. that's my good girl. you always do so well for me." he reassured you and kissed the side of your head. he picked you up and held you in his arms, taking you to the bathroom.

he wash you and himself off, letting you sit down and take a break. he cleaned you up, even washing your hair. once all the sweat and other liquids were finally gone, he dried you both off.

no words were spoken, only silence. a comfortable silence. he put your undergarments on you, leaving you in his shirt only, then changed himself.

you both curled under the bed, snuggling into one another. you had to tell him. "ben.." you whispered and he raised a brow, staring at you, pushing strands of hair out of your face.

"i told rey that i wanted to go back with her.. to the resistance."

"are you still going to?"

you shrugged and sighed, biting your lip nervously, looking down. he pulled you closer into his embrace, kissing your forehead. "i don't want to be away from you.." you confessed and kissed his bare chest, frowning.

"you don't have to be. i'm ready to accept my fate, and i hope you can help me."

you gazed back up at him and kissed him, cupping his cheek and your thumb stroked it. "of course i will." you whispered and your frown turned into a smile. "we just need to get away from the first order somehow, without them finding us or some war breaking out." he said and you nodded, your hand falling off his face. "but let's not worry about that now. we can wait. for now, let's hold each other."

you blushed, probably smiling like a complete idiot and felt relieved. you were relieved he finally accepted everything and wouldn't let anything else blind him. that he would finally put his foot down and run things his way. you were proud of you.

"i love you, ben."

"and i love you."


	16. chapter sixteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a warning comes into your dreams.

_you were walking on a grass field. land that you've never seen. you didn't even know their was such a thing, only seeing it in books._

_your gaze went from the field to a woman. brown hair, pretty brown eyes and she was probably the most beautifulest person you've ever seen._

_"who are you?" you asked curiously. you weren't scared, you weren't afraid. you felt like you knew her and she seemed kind._

_"padmé. don't worry, i know who you are." she said, and you introduced yourself anyways. "you have no idea who i am, don't you?"_

_you shook your head and shrugged, lips in a thin line. "i'm ben's grandmother." she said and your eyes widened. he really does have a pretty family bloodline. "why are you coming to me in my dreams, padmé?"_

_she sighed and you felt her hands touch yours, sitting you down on the grass. it all seemed too real. "to help you with ben. do you know who his grandfather is?" she questioned and you shook your head, once again._

_"his grandfather is darth vader. before his grandfather turned to the dark side, he was a really good man. the love of my life. and i see this happening with you and ben, but mostly for you.." she explained and you raised a brow, fear striking your heart._

_"you're part of the palpatine bloodline. he had a brother, who ran away, then had a child with a woman. that child is you, and your father passed over his force to you. you're force-sensitive. reflecting back on rey, she is the granddaughter of palpatine. watching you grow, i always feared darkness and evil would run inside you, but it didn't. instead, you turned into a kind person, with such love." she spoke so softly and gently, almost like if she was your mother._

_"b-but, i thought ben was the dyad in the force with rey? and is evil growing inside of me now?" you panicked, the fear now taking over your body._

_"i fear you will end up like anakin. i sense something bad will strike you once you unfold the past. for the dyad in the force, it hasn't happened for so many decades or centuries. ben and rey's force is strong together, but yours with his, it's so much stronger and powerful, even dangerous. you and ben need to escape the first order before they claw inside your mind and since he's slowly turning to good, the opposite will happen to you. this is a warning."_

then your eyes snapped opened and you turned your head to the side, seeing kylo standing over you. he seemed frightened.

"hey, what's wrong?" you asked, sitting up from the bed and your legs were sore, making you pout. "your dream.. you saw her. my grandmother." he said and you nodded, biting your lip. "what was she like?"

"very pretty. her voice was gentle and sweet. she seemed like a wonderful person." you answered and he smiled slightly, but he wasn't finished integrating you.

"you're force sensitive."

"yeah."

"you're related to rey."

"i guess."

"we're the force in the dyad. i didn't know their could be two."

"i don't know! i didn't even know about all this! i don't know the name of my father or even my mother! i don't know why they gave me up or hid the truth from me! why everyone hid the truth of who i am and where i come from!" you shouted, fed up and irritated, standing up. you started to pace around the room, hands running through your hair frantically.

he just watched you, giving you time to cool down and process. he was being patient. "she warned me." you simply told him and he seemed confused, putting on a shirt. "about what?" he asked.

"that i'm slowly turning. she sensed something bad would happen.."

"well, i won't let anything happen."

the conversation was interrupted when rey walked into the room, not caring that your pants were off, though kylo's shirt covered your bottom fully. "good morning. i know you aren't coming back to the resistance, but i feel like something happened." she said, crossing her arms over her chest and you needed to tell her.

"we're related."

"i know."

"you knew?"

"i came back for you, to take you away from the first order. i didn't really come back for ben." she responded, laughing and smiling, like if it was a joke. "wow, thanks." he mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"i need to know everything."

"the whole truth? i don't think you're ready to hear your past, or about your parents." she denied, shrugging and sat on the unmade bed.

"rey, please!"

rey sighed and grabbed your hand, seating you beside her. "okay here goes nothing." she muttered and sighed. kylo stood, hearing her tell you everything. it felt like hours passed. you were shocked, confused and sad. even kylo himself was surprised.

"so, my parents were normal people of the first order but when my uncle knew about me, he wanted me and since he didn't manage to get that, he killed them? does he even know i'm still alive?" you asked and she shook her head, her eyes on you. "how did i not know i was force sensitive? wouldn't there have been signs growing up?"

she shrugged, not knowing that answer herself. "i wasn't aware about it or what i was capable of until i met ben. it's kind of like an awakening in you."

"but back to the dyad in the force, which i'm honestly confused about, aren't you and ben suppose to be the dyad in the force?" you asked and they both looked at each other, then back at you.

"i don't know, at this point. but for now, you both need to keep an eye on each other." rey said and stood up, adjusting herself. "i will go back to the resistance and either one of you can force time me, to decide on what you want to do. but, there is good in both of you. for me, i think the first order needs to be destroyed."

you and kylo nodded, agreeing. "we need to keep that on the low, firstly. with planning and everything. once everything is in place, we will do it, and come to the resistance. where we belong." kylo told rey and she nodded, smiling.

"you don't have to come back to the resistance. you can simply go somewhere that's deserted and start new. start your own legacies and such. create a new side, that's good." she informed, and it sounded like a brilliant idea. you and kylo being rulers, but for a good side. in the light.

"stay safe." rey said, kissing your forehead goodbye and patted kylo's shoulder, walking out.

"so what do we do?" you asked him and he sighed, thinking. "i have a meeting tonight. you're coming with." he said, starting to put on his commander uniform.

"what? why?"

"you'll make a good side piece to what i have to say. we mind trick them. manipulate them like they've done to us for years."

"we're really doing this?" you questioned and he nodded, grabbing his mask. "go to work right now, and be there for a few hours, at least four. after that, come back here and we will head to the conference room." he stated and you nodded, slipping on your pants, with your shoes.

you fixed your hair and hugged him before leaving. "stay safe and don't say anything. just act like your normal self." he said and you nodded, kissing his cheek.

a war would soon to come.


	17. chapter seventeen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lies, tricks, and visibility.

you weren't doing much at the medbay. you were looking through files, organizing them or doing small check ups. you were writing down some information until you heard josh call your name.

"oh hey!" you smiled, hugging him for a few seconds and he was happy to see you. "i haven't seen you in a while. i heard you came in for a injury about a week ago, how are you?" he asked and you shrugged, holding your clipboard close to your chest.

"fine. the injury was nothing, i'm much better now. hey, we should go get some food with aria. how does that sound?" you raised a brow and he nodded, chuckling. you placed your clipboard away and searched for aria throughout the medbay. she was napping in a room, a towel over her eyes.

"aria! you lazy ass, get up!" you shouted and she sat up, groaning. "come. we're going to the cafe hall." you told her, josh walking besides you and she trailed behind you both. then you realized something; how the hell were you going to be able to save your friends when ruining the first order?

you couldn't lose them. three of you entered the cafe, grabbing trays and small meals, seating yourselves down. "where have you been? you've completely disappeared." aria said and you felt like a bad friend, wishing you could tell them everything. that you even figured out you're special, and who your parents are. your bloodline.

"oh.. i've been really sick. like nauseous sick, puking my guts out."

she hummed, squinting and you hoped you sounded believable. "why did you come into the medbay few days ago?" she started to get onto you, your heart speeding and josh didn't say anything, he just listened.

"bad injury. i uh.. fell down the stairs of the docking bay."

"you don't get stabbed when falling."

you looked down at your plate, fingers curling in and your blood boiled. why couldn't she just shut up? "believe me or not, i'm fine now, and that's what should matter, right?" you snapped and your eyes looked at the clock. it was time to go. "i have to leave."

you stood up, leaving your plate on the table. "you always leave! then disappear for days or a week! what happened to my best friend?" she asked, standing up as well and grabbed your wrist to stop you in your tracks. "this all started happening when you met the commander."

you got out of her hold and scoffed, rolling your eyes. "no it didn't. things change and happen." you replied, and the clock was ticking. "i have to really go." you started to walk away, but she wasn't finished.

"yeah, and screw the commander?"

your hands clenched and you turned around, josh watching the whole action happen. he was confused. "i've had it with you." your hand pressured on her and she started to choke, lunging her into a wall. she blacked out and the other one stood up in fear. you were scared of yourself. "you say anything and you'll join theo in space." you threatened, walking out of the cafe hall and straight to kylo's room, rubbing your temple.

you bursted into kylo's room and he saw the fear on your face. "what happened?" he asked, worried and you hadn't even realized he was wearing his mask. "i did something really stupid and i can't fix it." you panicked and on the verge of crying.

"i'll handle it. give me the names."

"aria ki and josh fui. cafe hall."

he nodded, holding your hand and walked out his room together. he informed the guards of them and told them to put ezra and aria in holding cells.

he held your hand all the way to the conference room and everything was going so fast. you both walked in and there was so many people there, even general hux. kylo immediately let go of your hand, knowing it was the purpose of your safety and his.

everyone eyed you once you entered the room, the energy being uncomfortable. "the supreme leader is dead, as everyone knows. i am in line of taking care of everything and destroying the resistance." he started off, as you sat down in a chair next to him. he was so serious and could easily intimidate anyone. "the plan will be taking out their transporters and get to them before they escape. the scavenger is their main source and we must destroy her."

"how will we do that, sir?" one person asked and he looked down at you, back to them. it was some sort of signal.

"in her shuttle she came in and return with, we put a tracker in it. it will lead us to where she is at and finish her. she may even be back with luke skywalker." you explained and heard a small chuckle coming from someone. it was general hux. "is there a problem, general? something you would like to share with us all?"

"what are you, a nurse, doing here? trying to help us? help kylo ren?"

you hands clenched again and you grinned, feeling kylo stopping you with his force. "i don't think you should get a say so in this. you're not running the first order, and never will. i can see inside your mind, general hux." you said, slowly walking over to him and everyone in the room watched you.

you leaned in close to his ear, looking at everybody. "you don't care if the resistance wins or loses.. you just want kylo dead." you whispered and shivers were sent down his spine. kylo heard you.

"general, is this true?" kylo asked and you stepped back, hux glaring at you. "you're really campaigning for asshole of the year, aren't you?" hux questioned and you shrugged, smiling wickedly.

"as defending champion, are you nervous?"

everyone was judging you with their eyes. you didn't mind it and stood by kylo's side, hands folded in front of you. it was a like king and queen dictating.

"she's too strong for us to destroy, commander. don't forget your incident with her." another one spoke and kylo turned around, thinking while staring out the window.

hux was staring at him, something wondering in his mind. you couldn't quite get your finger on it. "i sense.. unease about my appearance, general hux." kylo said and you watched hux shake in his boots, nervous and frightened.

"about the mask? no sir, well done. i like it."

he was suddenly trying to get on his good side. you scoffed, rolling your eyes and sat back down. "commander, your company seems to be a bit rude, and immature to be here." hux said and you gave him the _'you really want to fuck with me right now'_ look.

"my company should be respected as i am! bring disrespect to her and my weapon will burn through you!" kylo shouted and everyone decided to shut up, now wanting to murder hux.

"be careful, ren. don't let your feelings get in the way or take over you."

black clothing created a fresh breeze when he turned around, and activated his lightsaber. "you're asking to die." he spat and the ginger scoffed, not even frightened anymore, like he was use to this.

"we go to the resistance ground and destroy them. start to prep and fix any TIE fighters. we attack once everything is in place properly and run smoothly. any questions?" kylo asked, the saber still raging and you turned it off for him, putting it in your arms.

everyone stayed silent and looked down.

"good. get back to your stations and start planning." he commanded and everyone packed out of the conference room.

"you're really good at what you do." you complimented and he took off his helmet, smiling. "you think they bought it?" he asked and you nodded, giving him a thumbs up.

"totally. we need to talk to rey, though. let's go."


	18. chapter eighteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and sometimes, the outcome is never good.

"so you were able to trick them?" rey asked and you both nodded, sitting on kylo's lap, his arms wrapped around your waist. "good, good. now since you gave them a shit idea, what's the real one?"

"we'll plant grenades around the ship and leave on the commander shuttle straight to your base. while leaving, your transporters will shoot at the TIE fighters. we'll active the bombs once we're out and the first order will be destroyed. hopefully, there will be no survivors." kylo explained and you leaned against him, pouting.

"and if their are survivors? and they find you both? what then?"

you and kylo looked at each other. you knew it would be you two against whoever. "then the resistance will effective immediately leave the base and we'll handle it. but we may need your help, rey." you spoke up and she nodded, continuing to eat her apple.

"ben, i need to talk to your girlfriend, alone please."

the word _girlfriend_ made your eyes go wide and heart flutter, though their was no label to what you and him had. he didn't say anything, taking you off your lap and he stepped into the bathroom.

"the darkness is filling you." she said and you shook your head, chuckling. "no no! i wouldn't let that happen and i'm protecting myself." you told her and she sighed, tossing her finish fruit to the side. "i care about you. not just because we're blood, but 'cause i really do and want nothing happening to you." she responded, holding your hands in hers and smiled.

"use your power for the good, not the bad. but, if you ever come face to face with your dark self, fight it and banish it. it's not you." she said and kissed your forehead, the force talk ending.

you could use a shower as well. you sighed and got up, taking off your clothes. you stepped into the shower and noticed kylo's eyes were closed, wanting to surprise.

"surprise me and i'll fuck you with the lightsaber again." he blurted and you slowly nodded, carefully hugging him. you felt his arms hug you back and he kissed the top of your head.

"this is going to be one hell of a war. but i'll admit, i am scared." you confessed and his eyes opened, your gaze staring up into his. "don't be. once the first order is destroyed and peace is recovered, we will forever be together." he reassured and you nodded, kissing his chest.

he cupped your cheeks, kissing you. mouths went from a slow, passionate sync, to a needy, desperate one. you pulled away and started to squat down, going onto your knees. "shit.." he murmured, the water running down his body, almost like a waterfall was pouring.

you looked up at him and watched his reaction as you slipped him inside your mouth, your head bobbing up and down at a medium pace. his fingers hooked into your hair and pushed it out of your face. "good girl.. always wanting to please me, hm?" he asked and you moaned, your tongue and mouth being at work. "fucking shit. you look so pathetic.."

your saliva coated his cock, getting wet from the way he hissed and degraded you. his tip hit the back of your throat few times, causing you to gag and drool, but made sure you never lost eye contact with him. you wanted him to see you take him all in.

you were his plaything after all.

his hand gripped tighter on your hair, moaning your name loud and clear, your mouth being released from his cock. one hand held your hair and the other jerked himself off.

"open." he demanded simply and you did, mouth wide and tongue sticking out. the white, salty liquid fell right on your tongue and when he was finished, you swallowed. he patted your cheek, then smacking you. "that's my good girl."

you both finished washing yourselves off and kissed you at random times, making you squeal and blush. the soft towels covered your bare bodies and started to change back into your clothes after fully dried off.

you were about to give him a kiss until a knock was on his hatch door and kylo looked at it, then you. he slipped his saber into the back of his pants, his shirt covering it and handed you yours, doing the same as him. the presence of general hux and three stormtroopers stepped into the room and you groaned in irritation.

"you're both going to need to come with us." hux announced and you scoffed, rolling your eyes. "i'm sorry. do you run the ship here suddenly?" you asked and tilted your head, glaring at him.

"i do when a superior officer is having a relationship with a person on this ship." he spat back and kylo shielded you with his body, grabbing your hand.

you could read his mind. he was telling you to be prepared to fight, at any moment, but obey and follow his lead. "you have no such proof." you told hux and he brought a person in front of him. it was aria.

"you fucking bitch!" you yelled and pushed kylo out of your way, tackling her and started throwing punches at her. you spat in her face and watched her bleed out of her nose. once you felt arms trying to pull you off, you practically roared and your hand lunged towards everyone, the force throwing them back and knocking them out. luckily, kylo dunked in time and was safe.

she was bleeding out of her nose and mouth, her eye socket practically smashed in, probably causing blindness. you stood up and examined your knuckles. they were bruised and covered in your's and aria's blood.

you stared back at kylo and he nodded. you yanked aria up by the hair, forcing her to walk and he threw the knocked-out general hux over his shoulder.

you both made your way over to the a spare quarter in his level, shoving them down on the ground and found chairs, seating them in that. hux woke up few minutes later, and aria could barley speak.

"talk." kylo demanded, crossing his arms over his chest and hux smirked, chuckling. "the big, brave kylo ren. always trying to protect someone. i knew love would ruin you and the ways of the first order." he said and kylo punched him, a tooth popping out.

"you don't know shit about me, armitage hux. you've always sucked up to snoke and thought you were better than me. i don't know why i've kept you around. i should kill you right now." kylo threatened and the other male chuckled, shaking his head.

"the first order is nothing without me, ren."

"no, you're just a waste of air and space."

you snapped your fingers in aria's direction and her vision was trying to keep focus, you could see it. "i thought i could trust you. i guess not." you said and looked at kylo for permission. you wanted to end her.

he shook his head. "we'll keep them here, until everything is in action." he whispered in your ear and you nodded, kissing his cheek.

"what's in action?" hux asked, looking frantically at you and kylo, panicking and trying to get out of trap.

"you'll see." you told him, patting his cheek and ripped up small pieces of fabric sheets, shoving one in his and aria's mouth, to keep them quiet.

"have fun in each other's company." you held kylo's hand and walked out of the room with him, locking the hatch door. "let's go to sleep, i'm exhausted." kylo said and you agreed, sighing and got back to his quarters.

shoes were taken off and you both nuzzled under the blanket, feeling him pull you in closer to his chest. he kissed your forehead and you both comfortably fell asleep.


	19. chapter nineteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but desire can always mingle in.

you woke up, feeling refreshed and better, like you've finally gotten enough sleep to have energy. you didn't notice kylo by your side and frowned, thinking he was just handling business.

you sighed and got out of bed, not even noticing how sore your legs still were. the lightsaber got you better than he did. you missed him, already.

your knuckles were bandaged up and knew he took of care them for you when you were asleep. kylo walked in unexpectedly and you smiled, hugging him. "where were you?" you asked and he sighed, taking off his helmet that was he placed on the table. "taking care of them." he responded, groaning and chewed his lower lip, in thought. "we need to leave at least in three days."

"what? ben, why? we have enough time, still."

he sat on the bed, his face in his hands and pursed his lips. "the generals are questioning about hux's disappearance, because it's not like him. they're catching onto our relationship and your use of the force from when you were able to read hux's mind. they're going to find out, they're not that dumb." he said and you nodded, knowing there was little time left. it felt if everything was coming to a fast end. your biggest fear of this all was him getting killed. dying and you didn't know if you could save him if that happened.

"i just.. can we spend these last three days together? no leaving this room or anything? just in case-"

"just in case what? one of us dies? how many times have i told you, that you won't lose me." he reassured you and you nodded, once again, looking down. "but, we need to train you more properly. and what you need to know about the force."

he handed you the lightsaber and stood up, putting his helmet back on. "for now, no holding hands or flirtations actions outside of this quarters." he said and you smiled small, wanting to hold his hand. it made you feel safe, knowing he was right there.

you both made your way to somewhere, only he had an idea of the location. people were looking at you and whispering. you didn't know if you wanted to shout or cry. it was overwhelming.

he put a pin into the passcode bar and the hatch door opened, revealing a training room, that was huge. he pulled you both inside, immediately locking the door. "ben." you mumbled and he peeked at you, concerned of the sad emotion on your face, taking off his helmet. "do you regret meeting me?"

he cupped your cheeks and kissed your forehead, shaking his head. "no, never. because i found my person." he said and you smiled, blushing. "what if i turn?" you asked and he chuckled, patting your cheek. "that won't happen, sweetheart. i'll make sure of it." he answered, kissing your nose and his hands left your cheeks, going to his lightsaber. "i know your fear is me getting killed while this plan goes into action. your force can heal me, if such a thing happens."

you sighed in relief, nodding. "but that's the last need you to think about." he mumbled, activating his lightsaber and you did the same. "if there are survivors from the first order and they find us, we will have to be prepared for a war. the resistance won't be able to help us. it'll be you, rey and i." he told you, and you both started to walk in a circle, weapons humming, their colors lighting up your faces.

he lunged his towards you with his weapon but you reacted quicker, yours slamming against his, your feet being at work and knocked him down to the ground, flying backwards in a flip, landing on your feet. "what the fuck was that?" you asked, shocked and amazed. you practically flew like a bird.

"that was the force, doll. you're getting the easy hang of it."

you smiled and squealed, never feeling so happy in your life. he smiled at how joyful you were. the fighting with lightsabers was easy and he made sure to be gentle, he didn't want to hurt you, even the slightest bit. training was tiring and kylo was finally becoming more dominant with it, your mind going to daydreaming.

you were so lost in fantasizing about him, that you didn't notice he had you pinned to the wall. "thinking about me again, petal?" he asked and you pouted, denying it. "hm, i guess we can take a break." he turn off both lightsabers, tossing them to the side. he grabbed your face, his lips on yours and you instantly fell in, yours moving in a desperate sync with his. you whined and tugged onto his shirt. "no no.. you don't get to have me yet." he whispered against your lips, and you pouted, furrowing your eyebrows. "ride my boot, doll."

it was the closest thing you would get to having him and getting off. you nodded, obeying him and your arms curled around his leg, holding onto it for support. "that's a good girl. now go on, and eyes on me." he commanded, and you started to rut on his boot, whimpering, trying to keep eye contact with him, and kept failing. "i don't think i made myself clear. eyes on me or i'll bruise your pretty jaw again and make it bleed."

you whimpered and pouted, grinding against his shoe more, a pulse in between your legs and you knew you were soaking already. his fingers ran through your hair and watched you get off, making him smirk and chuckle wickedly. "sir.. it feels good." you whined out and he gripped onto your hair, causing you to moan loudly.

"i'm sure it does, doll. doing anything to make yourself cum." he teased and you blushed, your cheeks being warm and red. "that's enough. my turn." he yanked you up by your hair and you gasped, whining.

"i wasn't finished!"

"too bad, my turn." he turned you over, placing your hands on the wall and bend you over, separating your legs with his knee. "perfect view." he muttered, pulling down your leggings and panties, hearing him ruffle around with his own clothing. without a warning, you felt his budge slip into you and your eyes rolled back, cursing under your breath.

"fuck, you feel so good around me, sweetheart." he whispered into your ear, bringing your body up to his, your back touching his chest. his fingers pushed into your mouth, your lips wrapping around the leather texture and sucked onto them. "be quiet, unless you want someone to hear how much of a whore you are for me."

he kept his fingers in your mouth, your noises being muffled by them. he thrusted into you at a harsh, fast pace and held your body with one arm, the strength around you was strong and tight. 

your eyes rolled and back arched, your hands gripping onto his muscles. you didn't know how much time passed, only focused on him pounding into you and the sound of skin clapping echoing throughout the room.

you both started to reach your climax, his fingers slipping out and your moans were loud, one hand traveling up and tightly gripping your throat. "cum with me, sweetheart." he growled into your ear and you squealed as you came and felt his release pour inside you. his member slipped out of you and he watched your hole drip and leak.

he kissed the side of your forehead, skin being sticky and sweaty. he let you lean against the wall, taking deep breathers and searched for a towel, or some sort of cloth. he opened a first aid kit and found some gauze, along with a small pair of surgical scissors and knife. he smirked again and grabbed the gauze and the knife. you already knew what was coming.

he started to clean you up, wiping off you clean with all the gauze pads, dumping them in a trash can. "don't flinch, nor move. it's to mark what's mine." he said and felt the sharp blade pierce into your skin, retracing the word he had cut in the first time you'd met. then he engraved something else.

it was both his intials; _k.r, b.s._

he wiped up the blood with his leather thumb and kissed your cheek.

"that was fun, wasn't it?" he smiled and you nodded, blushing. "we got enough training in. for now, let's stay in each other's arms." he said and helped you walk back to his quarters.


	20. chapter twenty.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and romance lays in the universe.

you both couldn't sleep. you tried to, it was impossible. "ben?" you whispered. "yeah?" he whispered back, and you turned around, facing him, smiling.

"hi."

"hi, sweetheart."

his hand touched your cheek, thumb stroking it comfortably. the plan would start in motion tomorrow. this could be last time with him, or him with you. you tried to smile, but your lower lip quivered. "ben.. i'm scared." your voice cracked and tears started to pour out, the wrenching feeling of fear consuming you. "hey hey, shh. you're okay. nothing is going to happen, i'll make sure of it." he assured you and kissed your forehead, wiping away your tears.

"i'm scared of losing you." you admitted, your breathing becoming heavy and shaky, the tears wouldn't stop. "you won't lose me, and i won't lose you. we're a dyad in the force, two that are one. together, we can overcome anything and everything." he said and held you close to him, feeling safe in his arms. enjoying this moment and everything before it. you sobbed into his shirt, his other hand stroking your hair and you were sure that your tears were staining his shirt, but he didn't mind.

you could read his mind and feel his energy. he was scared, too, and he didn't show it. he was trying to stay strong for the both of you. a tear fell on top of your head, you felt it.

it was ben's. "i love you." he whispered and kissed the crown of your head, his chin resting on top of it. you never expected this. none of this.

you didn't expect your life to take such a turn. meeting him wasn't regretful, at all. if you hadn't been assigned to take care of him, you wouldn't know that you had a cousin or of your force, due to the bloodline you came from. you wouldn't know that you were capable of such things. you wouldn't have met the man you call the love of your life, risking everything for him. you got to see who kylo ren and ben solo was. they had something in common; vulnerability and able to love, though they don't show it.

kylo ren was a mask for ben solo, though. kylo ren was a mask to protect who ben solo truly was, and you saw behind the mask. you got to know who this man was, and you would do anything to protect him. even if that meant dying for him. in every lifetime, you'd find your way back to him, because you wanted him, only.

but the man holding you wasn't kylo ren anymore. it was ben solo, the person he was and always has been. you knew he had been hearing your thoughts once he started to practically sob. you sat on his lap, bringing him up to you and his face sat on your chest, tears trickling down your shirt. he never had love like this before. no one had ever given him this love, and that broke your heart.

all this man wanted was to be loved and told he was good enough. that he could do anything. that he wasn't bad, just a little lost and broken. that his grandparents and parents do still love him, endlessly.

you didn't know how long he was crying for, but you held him, close to you, almost like as if he was a hostage. "i love you, ben. more than you'll ever know." you told him and he sniffled, nodding. you kissed the side of his head and he smiled small, cheeks red. then silence filled the room, heartbeats and breathing being clear and loud.

"will you marry me?"

this question shocked you. your heartbeat raced and eyes widened. he looked at you and waited for a response. you didn't want anybody else, you were sure of it. you wanted him in every world or universe. you smiled and squealed, the mood being happy suddenly. "yes, yes! i will marry you, ben solo!" you exclaimed and he smiled widely, nodding. you grabbed his face, and kissed him, passionately and slowly. it was comforting and warm. it was love.

he pulled away and his toothy smile appeared, your heart melting. your hands were cupping his cheeks and he was lost in your eyes. his eyes sparkled- he had the whole galaxy in them.

"i am so in love with you." he spoke so softly, and his mind was running with thoughts of you; simply love. he was feeling love and it's like kylo ren had died. like the mask was thrown and smashed into unfixable pieces. kylo ren was gone. ben solo had finally come back into the light.

"i am so in love with you too, ben solo. we're going to be okay, i know it. we have each other."

he smiled and nodded, placing his hands on top of yours, his eyes were glossy, but happy. "you're good enough, and so strong. i'm proud of you." you began, your forehead pressing on his and stared into his eyes still. "you're more than good enough. you're a survivor and a fighter. you're going to be okay, but i will be here to help you heal. heal you from all the pain you've been through. and show you what true love is."

"i know what true love is. i knew what it was when i met you."

you didn't want this night to end. you didn't want to lose him. you didn't want this moment to wash away so quickly. you needed him. you both understood each other. you both were healing one another.

your hands never left his cheeks, taking in every piece of him in. from wounds, scars, freckles, even lips. you took it all in.

the moment was ruined when you heard rey's voice echoing. "oh shit! wait, i'm sorry! i didn't know there was a moment going on! i was just checking in to see if you both were ready?" she asked, her face apologetic. you chuckled and sniffled, wiping away the remaining of your tears.

"yeah. i'll let you know when it's go time once the bombs are planted and we leave. we'll see you on the base tomorrow." you said and she nodded, smiling. "sounds good. enjoy this moment, just in case." she last said and in a blink of an eye, she was gone.

"she's kind of dumb." you muttered and ben chuckled, nodding. his smile never left his face, not even for a spare second.

"i love you, ben solo."

"i love you as well, sweetheart."


	21. chapter twenty one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the empire falls because of it all.

anxious and fear never left your body, even right after you planted the bombs in certain parts of the ship, and ben took the lead of getting a few last words out of hux and aria. this was happening. the command shuttle was already preparing for you and ben, but you knew some people didn't deserve to die on this ship.

"ben. can we bring josh and doctor miles with us? i think they'd be the perfect fit for the resistance.." you told him and he nodded, ordering stormtroopers to bring them to the command shuttle and keep them in handcuffs when they did arrive.

this time, he didn't have his outfit on and people were speculating of why he didn't. they've never seen him without his mask. he didn't mind the stares, only focused on you.

you both entered the room of the two captives, and they looked miserable. it made you laugh. "aria, isn't there something you want to say?" ben said and waited for her to say something. the cloth had been out of her mouth, though her face was bruised and her lip was busted open.

"general hux said if i knew about anything about you and the commander, that he would put an end to him and the relationship. i thought that could mean i would get my best friend back and we could spend more time together. i'm sorry. i'm foolish." aria confessed and you nodded, thinking.

"leave them both here." you whispered in ben's ear and he agreed, handing you his weapon. you hit them both in the jaw with it and smiled in satisfaction, noticing them black out from the hard hit.

"let's go."

you both ran to the docking bay, running down the ramp stairs and panicked. doctor miles and ezra were in the shuttle, and you looked around one last time. the first order, the place you called home for twenty two years, would be ruined in minutes.

ben had walked up the ramp and into the shuttle, preparing everything. then you heard a general shout. "get them! get the girl and the commander!" the man shouted and the stormtroopers lunged your way. "fucking hell." you mumbled and activated your lightsaber, cutting everyone in pieces that got in your way. "ben, did you tell rey that we are ready!" you yelled so loud, that probably everyone in the docking bay could hear you, but everything was already settled into action. he shouted a ' _yes_ ' back at you and you ran up the ramp. it closed behind you and you greeted doctor miles and ezra.

more stormtroopers were shooting at the command shuttle, giving you anxiety. "don't worry, i got this." he said and started shooting back at them, before blasting off into space.

space. the galaxy. all the stars and planets amazed you. "this is so beautiful.." you whispered to yourself, and smiled in amazement. "does someone want to tell us why we are here with you both?" doctor miles blurted and you turned around, chuckling. "we tricked the first order and you both will be with the resistance, the good guys." you responded and they nodded, saying it didn't seem so bad.

"do it, _now._ " ben demanded and you nodded, pushing an activator button. it was only seconds, until everything went up into flames, sputtering out into space and TIE fighters came shooting. in the other direction, was the resistance transporters.

"ben, go! go go go!" you yelled and the command shuttle was rushing to the resistance base in the speed of light, you almost had to hold onto something. different colors of shots were going both back and forth. "commander ren! it's poe dameron!" a man shouted through the hatch and you picked it up, smiling.

"hi poe! it's me, rey's cousin!" you introduced and you heard him chuckle, greeting you. "get to the resistance, quickly! we'll take care of this!" poe last said and the hatch call ended. you didn't notice how fast ben was going, until you were entering through a planet's atmosphere. he was shaking in his hands. he was nervous to see his mom.

the command shuttle landed on the ground few minutes later and your eyes were in awe of the cloudy skies and the sun. the ramp lifted down and everyone walked down it, you seeing the sight of rey. "rey!" you exclaimed and she hugged you tightly, both of you smiling so wide.

ben stood behind you and patted her shoulder, feeling awkward. you held his hand and he relaxed, being at ease that you were there. doctors miles, josh, and everyone was rushing onto the resistance ship and some onto the millennium falcon, in panic.

then a lady approached you both. she was small, but could reach your height and had her grey hair styled. "mom.." ben said in shock and she smiled, pulling him into a hug. "my son. i knew you would come back." she told him and they held onto each other tightly, for minutes. everyone watched them and he broke down into tears, her hand soothingly rubbing his back. "i'm sorry about dad. i didn't mean to kill him.. i'm sorry.." he whispered and you wanted to cry at this reunion.

she got out of the embrace and kissed his cheek, wiping away his tears. "you've always been so brave and strong. your father would've been so proud of you." she told him and you got distracted when a voice was calling your name.

you turned around and saw the familiar man from your dreams. and padmé. and another man, who had honey blonde hair and was tall, smiling at the sight of ben. the couple must have been his grandparents, enjoying this moment of seeing ben come into the light.

you smiled at them and they thanked you, their ghosts disappearing into mist. your heart felt warm and fulfilled. you didn't even realize that ben was calling your name.

"oh! i'm sorry, nice to meet you, ma'am." you introduced yourself and she hugged you, thanking you, as well "i'm general leia, but just leia for you." she replied. "and mom, she's my soon to be wife." he told her and she smiled in excitement. she kissed your cheek and you smiled widely, chuckling.

"ma'am we have to go. it's time." someone told her and she nodded, sighing. her mind was frantic. she was scared of losing her son again, but for forever.

leia hugged you both goodbye and then both ships left. only you, rey and ben were standing on the ground. rey guided you both into the headquarters, patching into the transporters and trying to get feed back of the situation. "the whole ship is on fire and we haven't seen any sign of survivors." poe replied and ben exhaled in relief, smiling. "but we will keep you posted, we took down all the TIE fighters."

it ended and you hugged ben, kissing the side of his head. "for now, you both should rest. there's a spare room." she said and lead you guys to back of the quarters, opening a door. it was a nice, comfort room. about the same size as ben's back at the finalizer.

"if you need anything, i'll be a few rooms down!" she informed and walked away, while you laid straight down onto the bed, sighing. sleep sounded nice.

he laid next to you, pulling you into his arms and you smiled. "i saw them again." you said and he looked down at you, raising a brow. "your dad, your grandmother and grandfather. i want to say, you got your grandfather's looks." you joked and he laughed, kissing you. "they thanked me."

"why is that?"

"i don't know, actually. but they were smiling and your dad did seem really proud of you."

he barely realized that you overheard of how his father died. "listen, about my father, i just-" you cut him off by putting your hand over his mouth. "it's okay. you were fighting your demons and being manipulated. he doesn't hate you. he loves you and knows what you went through." you reassured him and kissed his forehead, removing your hand. he grabbed his lightsaber out of his pocket, looking at it.

"you want to keep it?" you asked and he shook his head, tossing it to the corner. "that's kylo ren's saber, not ben solo's." he said and you smiled, letting him rest his face on your chest. "let's get some sleep." he mumbled and you nodded, both eyes closing, falling asleep in each other's embrace.


	22. chapter twenty two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as desire, agony, and love soften us, there will always be something in the dark ready to destroy it all.

_hands trembling, your breathing was clear to see in the air and you felt cold. you saw them again, ben's grandparents and father. "what is happening? why do you guys keep entering my dreams?" you questioned, scared and you hugged yourself to try to stay warm._

_"if ben loses you, he'll return to the dark side and never turn back. you're the only reason why he is himself again." padmé told you and you swallowed thickly, nodding. the honey blonde haired male smiled and it was as cheeky as ben's. his father hugged you and you didn't know what to do._

_"am i going to die? do you all sense it?" you asked and han sighed, shrugging. "we fear this war will end badly. and someone will die. that death will affect ben and who he is. you and him are the dyad in the force, the connection being very powerful and strong. whatever you do, do not let the dark side win." his grandfather said and his arm was slung around padmé's shoulder._

_two that are one. the dyad in the force. "what do i do?" you asked and looked at all them, panicked even more now. "win the war and don't die. you're a sith, who has good in her heart and love. use that to your advantage. love is usually the most strongest force." han said and you nodded, tears forming in your eyes._

your eyes snapped open and ben was snoring, in a deep slumber. you looked at him, your fingers running through his hair. you carefully kissed his head and admired him.

his eyes fluttered open, immediately locking with yours. "hey, sleepyhead." you whispered and smiled, keeping him close to you. the only noise to be heard was breathing, hearts thumping and the cold, whooshing wind.

"what did you expect your future to be like?" he asked and you thought to yourself, humming softly. "i don't know actually. i thought i would be a nurse working for the first order forever, and just take care of people. maybe have a kid, i don't know. i certainly didn't expect any of this." you responded and chuckled, he did as well.

"you changed me. _you saved me._ " he said and your heart had that melting feeling again. it was for a moment, where the universe had stopped for a second when you looked at him. everything went silent and you were lost in his eyes. that you felt a relief breather and knew someone loves you. that someone wanted to spend the rest of their existence with you.

you were so in love with him, and it was unexplainable. and you knew he felt the same. the first time you ever laid eyes on him, he was intimidating, scary and always yelled. you thought he was a brutal person. but you had it wrong the entire time, and you were so happy he let you in. he let you fix him and show him what love is. the silence was beautiful, and you both could clearly read each other's minds.

you straddled his lap and his hands instantly were placed on your hips, gripping them. you leaned down and kissed him, his hands traveling up and down your back, soon slipping underneath your shirt. you giggled and smiled against his lips, your lips never leaving his.

it was getting into a heated moment until rey barged in. "shit, i have to start knocking or something!" she shouted and you pulled away, looking back at her and glared. "look, i'm sorry, but we're getting some company in a bit."

you got off ben's lap and put on your shoes, him doing the exact same. "fuck, shit! not now!" you yelled at yourself and rey tossed you a lightsaber. it was hers. the luke skywalker one. "you deserve it more than i do." she said and walked out. you turned around and kissed ben, which felt like for the last time, ever.

he cupped your cheeks and kissed you back, then detached his lips from yours. "i love you. don't forget that, sweetheart." he reminded you and you nodded, smiling. your heart was racing and tears were in your eyes. he wiped them away and tried to stay strong. "you are my soulmate."

 _soulmate._ that word strengthen your heart and your soul. that he was aware that he only loved you, and felt it. you still were wearing his shirt, that was oversized on you, yet his scent never left it.

you held his hand as both walked out of the room and the headquarters, seeing rey already outside. she looked back at you both and smiled small, hugging you. this was the closest you would ever get to having a family. rey was your family. ben was your home. it was crazy how home could be a person.

you heard a trembling sound in the atmosphere, and you three waited. "wait, there's this cool thing you can!" rey blurted and she helped you out with it.

your and ben's force was starting to be felt strong in your bodies. she explained it quickly and smiled, letting you try it out. you slipped the lightsaber down your back and looked at ben, who's hand pulled something forward from his back.

the exact lightsaber.

"wait that was awesome." you mumbled and he smiled, kissing the crown of your head. you looked into the sky and a shuttle was coming, from the first order.

 _shit, some survived,_ you thought to yourself and groaned. you looked at ben and he smiled, giving you a nod. "i love you." he mouthed and you smiled widely, letting out a small laugh.

"i love you too."

rey was very focused, the shuttle getting closer and closer. "get ready. we have a war to finish." she said and the humming activation of three lightsabers were heard. your hold around it got strong and tight, rey using a green one. she must have grabbed it when you were asleep.

all smiles disappeared and the shuttle finally landed, the ramp coming down. no fear, no anxiety, nothing filled you. only power. the force.

"it's go time."


	23. chapter twenty three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> forever and always.

_"it's go time."_

you all waited for whoever was coming down the ramp and prepared for this chaotic war. stormtroopers came out, blasting at you all. lightsabers dodged the shots, lunging towards them and you flew over them, the gravity perfectly landing you on your feet. your lightsaber stabbed through them and you were panting. too many stormtroopers survived.

the vibration humming was so loud and the colors were bright. ben and rey had their on hurdle of stormtroopers to finish off. then TIE fighters. more of them.

too many people to take down. too many to finish off. they were shooting at you all.

your fingers curled as your force threw the TIE fighters to the ground, watching it all burn into flames. you were using your force and fighting with your weapon at the same time; a complicated task. a shot hit your shoulder and you screamed in pain, force choking the stormtrooper and slicing off their head.

blood dripped and you ignored it, fighting more. you didn't know how many stormtroopers you were taking out, but it was a lot.

you tackled one to the ground and it punched you, causing you to groan and the lightsaber went through their head. you looked up and saw ben surrounded by a group of them, ready to finish him off.

he looked at them all and did a little shrug, then instantly started to swing his lightsaber at them. you chuckled and blood ran out your nose, wiping it around with your sleeve, seeing him fly back and dodge their shots.

your hand pointed forward to the shuttle, clutching it and you felt like you were draining your body, trying to burn it. the scenery around you was dark. the clouds were grey, fire was everywhere and blood was splattered from dead stormtroopers. someone hit you back of the head and you fell, your vision being dizzy. it was a familiar face.

aria. she had blended in with being a stormtrooper. she pointed a blaster at you and smirked, thinking she finally overpowered you. "too scared to die?" she mocked your frown and your head spun, trying to focus on her words and face.

"no. i can take you out in a second." you spat and she stepped on your wrist, and you howled. "you fucking asshole! you've always been a bitch! sorry that your mommy abandoned you and your daddy was a criminal! fuck you!" you taunted and saw her boil into flames, pointing the weapon to your forehead. "i don't think i've told you."

"told me what?"

you started to force choke her and her weapon fell on the side of your head, pushing her foot off of your wrist. "that i'm a sith." you whispered in her ear and stabbed your lightsaber through her stomach, watching her eyes widen. she collapsed to the ground and took her final breath. you kicked her to make sure she was actually dead. luckily, she was.

hatred and angry filled you. even violence. you wanted nothing more than to kill these people and rip their heads off. to protect rey and ben. your lover looked at you and smiled in satisfaction, barley noticing every surviving stormtrooper was dead. you panted, coming together with them.

then another pair of footsteps were heard coming down the ramp. it was general hux and captain phasma. "you've got to be kidding me." you mumbled, rubbing your temple. it wasn't over, not just quite yet.

you and rey shielded ben, knowing they wanted him to be dead. "ah ah, if it isn't the two left kinds of the palpatine bloodline. we could've used you on the dark side, bring great honor and power." phasma started, her and hux being only a few feet away from you both.

"the dark side is evil, sickening and horrible. i'm glad we killed the last remaining of it. and after we are finished with you, it will be all over and the resistance can take over the galaxy forever." you said and heard a chuckle come from behind phasma's mask. general hux stayed silent, but smirked.

that cocky bastard.

"if you help us rebuild the first order, we can bring back your parents." she offered and your eyes widened, in awe of what she said. "my parents?" you questioned onto your words, surprised and shocked. "yes, dear. your parents. we know you miss them and just want to hug them so tightly. help use rebuild the dark side with your power and force and we will give you back your parents." she kept pushing and her hands were clasped behind her back, her armor being metal, but bright and shiny.

"don't do it. you're not this stupid." ben muttered and you took a peek at him, gulping, then back at phasma.

she stuck out her hand, in a agreement deal way. "join us. you don't belong to the light. you're bad. evil. all the great things for us." she expressed in such a calm matter. did you really need your parents back? get them back only to ruin peace? you weren't so sure.

"captain phasma, i would love that.." you started off, activating your saber again and smirked. "but, i rather build my own empire."

you started to bolt at her, letting all anger take over you and felt something hit your stomach. you stopped and took a moment to look down. she shot you. everything went in slow motion suddenly. screams of rey and ben were echoing and you saw general hux grab your own lightsaber, stabbing it through you one last time.

your body fell, and you coughed up blood. you didn't even realize that your head was being held in rey's lap and ben was holding your body, panicking and crying.

"ben i don't want to die, i don't want to die. please don't let me die!" you cried out, tears streaming down your face and he nodded, kissing your forehead. "you're not going to die, sweetheart. i got you, you're going to be okay." he reassured and tried his best to smile for comfort.

your head fell to the side, eyes wanting to close. you saw the dead bodies of hux and phasma, making you smile small. "rey, here. you heal her, please. you have enough strength in your body than i do." you heard him told her, switching positions and your head was now on his lap.

"hey hey, you're going to be okay. keep your eyes open and focus on my voice, okay? can you do that?" he questioned, but you couldn't respond, letting out croaks.

"i can't heal her! nothing is working! i don't know why it's not working!" rey panicked and ben hands were on the side of your head, crying in fear. you couldn't hold any longer. you tried and tried, but couldn't. your body was giving up and echoes were becoming inaudible, not being able to understand what they were saying. you were scared and didn't know you would be leaving ben alone.

you took your final breath and eyes closed. you didn't see blackness or anything. it was a bright light. light of flashing memories. ben was putting them into your brain. the beginning to end memories.

_"who is it?"_

_"the commander, kylo ren."_

he was weak, but beautiful. that was the first time you got to actually talk to him. his voice being gentle and kind. even the word _sweetheart_ struck your heart and made you smile. the start of everything. the start of a meeting him. you weren't aware that he would change your entire life. just your superior. 

_"hey hey, you're okay doll."_

the reassurance after your first time. he was harsh during it, but so gentle and soft afterwards. his warmth and comfort. feeling protected and safe in his arms. you were never held like that. never, and that's when you slowly started to fall for him. he bathe you and took care of you. 

_"you're important to me, as well."_

the moment he saved you. saved you from a monster and made you feel loved after it. where you knew he was starting to show you who he was. that he cared about you. that you mattered to someone and he was willing to protect you. 

_"i don't do love. it's weak and stupid."_

weak and stupid. he was scared. he never loved someone or had someone loved him. though those words struck your heart, you knew he was scared, and trapped in the dark. you cried, but he cared. especially after he found you and stayed by your side in the hospital, you knew he cared.

_"what's your real name then."_

_"ben solo."_

ben solo. the true man. kylo ren was a mask and he hated it. ben solo is caring, gentle and loving. not afraid to protect or love. he was vulnerable and felt okay showing you that. you saw ben solo shine through the light and reappear. you held his hand through his darkest times and fought for him. 

_"i love you."_

_"likewise."_

the first time you told him you loved, few days after you told him you were in love with him. likewise meant he knew. he knew you loved him and he felt the same, but didn't know how to express it. he never had said to someone before, and didn't know the real context of it quite yet.

_"sweetheart."_

_"yes, ky?"_

_"i love you."_

then he said it. that after you rambled to him of how in love you were with him, he said it and it was absorbing his heart. that was the happiest day of your life.

the memories flashed in details. part by part and this was his way of saving you. by love. the love he has for and forever will. that he would make so many sacrifices for you. that you made him into a better person. that you saved him and now it was his turn to do the same.

_"i love you."_

_"ky-"_

but he cut you off. he confessed his love for you. he probably said the word _love_ more than fifteen times, but honestly who was keeping count. you were amazed and shocked of the love he had for you. in that moment, you realized there two souls were in love with one another. so in love, it was powerful and ran through their bones, into their hearts. that yours and his hearts connected and knotted into an unbreakable string. that if it was either destiny or fate, you thanked the universe for it. 

_"we're a dyad in the force, two that are one."_

a dyad. the minute you got the hang of your force and founded out your bloodline, he was there. his force was stronger with yours than with rey's. that together, you both were powerful in one. that you could do anything together and rule the galaxy if you wanted to.

with the memories, you remembered everything that happened between you and him, in spare of weeks. in the beginning, it was cold and nothing. in the end, he was saving your life and begging for you not to give up. but you loved him, and wanted him to be strong, even if you didn't live. that he needs to carry on being brave and continue to protect the galaxy and make sure nobody ever gets hurts.

but this man was the love of your life. he was every planet, star and moon in the galaxy to you. you both cried, yelled, kissed and loved. all the four things that made you both stronger. that you were so in love with him.

then he showed you something else. what he feels for you, and sees.

that he loves you so much, and from the minute you were talking to him in his hospital room, he felt a spark. the connection. that he was too scared to show you that he loved you, because of abandonment. that he tried to keep his mask, but he no longer could. that he was tired of kylo ren and knew who he was. ben solo. that you held his hand to the light and pushed through with him. that you stuck around, understood him and were patient.

he didn't know how to repay for all that. and he apologizes for breaking your heart and making you cry every time, he didn't mean to. he was scared, and didn't know love that well. but he thanked you for showing him and feeling that for him, because he would always feel it for you too. you were his savior and never once left his side, no matter how many times he hurt you. and when he saw you, he felt a warm fuzzy feeling in his heart and couldn't deny it anymore. he accepted the truth that he loved you and was ready. his love for you was unexplainable or hard to even describe, but he loved you more than anything in the infinite galaxy. that even after death, he would find his way back to you. he didn't want anyone else. he wanted you, forever and always.

_forever and always._

you gasped for air and your eyes opened wide, tears in them. it took you a few seconds to realize what had happened. it replayed in your mind of the war, murdering, you being shot and stabbed. your eyes went to rey and she was smiling, though her hands were covered with your blood. then you looked at ben.

you sat up and turned to face him, your hands shaking when you cupped his cheeks. his eyes were teary and he was still scared, but tried to smile in relief. you searched his face and smashed your lips against his, kissing for a few seconds. he held you close to him and pulled away, both faces only an couple inches apart. his toothy smile appeared and you smiled back, tears falling.

"we did it." he whispered and you nodded, chuckling. you hugged him tightly and felt his arms hold in the same strong, strength. "yeah, we did it, my love." you whispered back and he kissed the side of your head, never letting go of each other. that finally, the pain and evil was gone, forever. that you both could live in peace and grow old together. possibly even have a family. but the dark side was gone. nothing or no one could take you away from him.

" _forever and always._ "

it was never child play's love or infatuation. it was true love, and you found your soulmate. you would never have to say goodbye again. he would go anywhere with you. he would build a new empire with you. absolutely anything. soulmates, in every world, life or universe. forever.


End file.
